The Fall of Troy

AP

This past week I’ve been somewhat depressed (and rightfully distressed) by my Alma Mater’s poor showing this past weekend, but after last night, I don’t feel so bad…or do I?  Between the collapse of Washington Mutual and the Trojan Horse that was Oregon State, what are we going to do?  Poor Pete Carroll, he was like the mythical King Priam of Troy, elated when golden boy Paris brings Helen of Sparta home and then deeply, deeply troubled when he has to go to the Greeks and ransom Hector’s body back.   (That was for my Dad, who used to ask me “Brandi, why do you take so many classes on Ancient Greece?” in college.  Answer: ”So I can one day use my knowledge of mythology to ridicule PAC 10 schools”.).

Of course, USC’s loss is the SEC’s gain…until the SEC teams start picking each other off.  Because let me reiterate this most important of points, USC and teams from the SEC are the only teams that could be eligible to win the National Championship, at least according to the media.  This USC loss is huge.  I want John McCain and Barack Obama to take time from their busy schedule of fixing the economy to comment on THE MOST IMPORTANT EVENT OF THE WEEK.  I also want to hear from Sarah “I can see USC from my house” Palin.  I want Nancy Grace to camp outside The Coliseum taking calls from all of my distraught LA pals.  That’s how monumental this is…except this happens to USC like every year.  Honestly, shouldn’t we just expect this by now?

Speaking of foregone conclusions, the Gators host Ole Miss this weekend.  I predict this game will only be rough on the fans since it takes place at 12:30 which means that many kids including my brother will be too hungover to daydrink to their best capabilities.

US Presswire

Elsewhere in the BEST CONFERENCE OF ALL TIME, Auburn hopes to rebound against Tennessee, while the Vols pray that all of their traveling fans remain in their seats until the 4th Quarter.  Then there’s the Blackout.  Sigh.  Florida State has attempted two Blackouts, one of which resulted in one of my now-famous “Letters of Truth”.  I don’t think The Blackout serves any real purpose other than getting drunk kids to buy black T-shirts, but I believe the Bulldogs will pull ahead, while the Bamafans will file this away under the heading “Reasons to Fire Saban”.

In Florida State News, they travel to Jacksonville for some inane reason to play Colorado.  They better pull off a win because I don’t want to spend another Saturday night, in shock, contemplating burning clothing.  Also, Clemson plays Maryland.   Bowden loyalty be damned, I’m going for Maryland.  North Carolina State plays my new nemesis, USF, and I hope the Wolf Pack can pull this off.  I can’t deal with so many football programs in Florida.

While we’re on the topic of things that bother me: Penn State.  It goes like this: the more Penn State wins and Florida State loses, the longer the Paterno/Bowden feud will linger.  Now, I would really like Bobby to regain the lead in Most NCAA Wins, but not at the expense of the program.  Look, I loved that old primetime soap Dallas, but even Larry Hagman realized that good things need to come to an end.  Anyway, all selfishness on my part aside, why is this the Saturday Evening Football game?  Oh that’s right, because USC graciously ceded the timeslot away played on Thursday.

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