Week 5 NFL Notes

AP

Barring incident, I’m 8-4 so far this week.  Not bad, not bad at all.  Had I known JP Losman would be a big factor in the Bills game, I would have been 9-3 cause no way do I believe in that guy.  Oh well, what can you do?  I could go back and edit my picks I guess, would anyone notice?  Well, I won’t, I’m mostly honest.  Only mostly though.

• Farewell San Diego.  I still had faith you, I picked you to go to the Super Bowl in my revised picks, and what do you do?  You lose to Miami.  Miami!  I realize Miami might be better than I’m giving them credit for, but still!  You’re supposed to be San Diego.  LT is a non entity without Lorenzo Neal and Michael Turner.  Rivers doesn’t have enough weapons and the defense is getting gashed.  I’m done with you.
• Carolina continues to be a pain, 34-0 over KC.  I mean, I picked them to win, so kudos to me, but they’re in my teams division and I’d like them to lay an egg or two.  Little help please?  KC is lucky they beat Denver last week, they’d be doing well in the 0fer sweepstakes otherwise.
• The Ofer dream is still alive though, thanks Detroit, Houston, Cincy & the Rams, who can’t lose on their day off (though they might be able to find a way.  Cincy gave it a run against the Boys, who really need some defensive help if they want to do anything in the playoffs.  They may very well be one and done again.  Houston also gave it a run against Indy, but I’ll address that game later.
• The champs are playing like champs yet again.  44-6 over Seattle.  A recent playoff team.  I know, they’re a shell of themselves this year, but wow.  187 total yards for Seattle to 523 for the Giants.  That’s what you call a discrepancy.   Little Eli is having a heck of a year.  I’m happy for him, he’s really out from big brother’s shadow.
• Let’s go from champs to chumps, shall we, and have a little convo about Detroit.  Firstly, they made Kyle Orton look good.  Kyle Orton is a serviceable QB, he is not a 334 yard passer.  They also lost 34-7.  Way to show up, Detroit.  Your first game without Millen and you continue to honor him as you did when he was there.  Sweet of you, really.
• How does Green Bay respond to a heartbreaking loss in Tampa last week?  By suffering another one at home against Atlanta.  Atlanta has a winning record.  I don’t know what to make of the league this year, but that alone should tell you that things are topsy turvy.  Michael Turner had another 100 yard plus rushing day and Matt Ryan had a decent outing again.  GB’s defense needs some work, clearly.
• Tennessee is 5-0 after eeking out a win against Baltimore.  Kerry Collins continues to be the vet you want in the backfield this year, let’s hear it for the old guys, eh?  Tennessee was helped by a roughing penalty that was questionable, but that’s part of the game.  Baltimore is overachieving in my eyes this year, with a rookie QB and an older D.  The AFC is truly a mess.
• The Redskins continue in their quest to make me look like an idiot.  They seem to enjoy doing that to me weekly, so I’m rolling with it.  They went into Philly and walked out with yet another win.  They’re looking more and more like a playoff team with every passing week.  Portis had a big day and Randle El threw a TD.  Philly had a 14-0 lead but the Skins started kicking field goals and chipping away til suddenly they had a lead.  Philly was also stopped again down by the goal line, they just can’t seem to punch it down there.  Gotta work on their play calling.
• Now it’s time to talk about my Bucs.  They lost 16-13 to Denver and I put the blame for that one squarely on the shoulders of John Gruden.  We were going against the 31st ranked defense in the league and fear of turnovers caused us to play small ball all game long.  All Denver had to do was tackle and they did that just fine today.  This team got gashed by KC last week, KC who managed to put up 7 against Carolina today.  That’s just sad.  Cutler had a solid, if unspectacular day, never giving us the turnover we so desperately needed.  I would rather have seen us throw 3 interceptions than play small ball like we did today.
• Speaking of interceptions, Griese got knocked out of the game late in the 3rd quarter and Garcia came in.  He managed to put together one TD drive but we didn’t get the ball back after eschewing the onside kick option with 2 minutes left in the game.  Never saw the ball on offense again.  What was amazing was on the TD drive, Garcia threw a terrible interception but the DE fumbled the ball on the return and we got it back, giving us a new set of downs and setting up the drive.  It’s fun when things like that happen.  Gotta love football.
• I already mentioned it once before, but it bears mentioning again, that I would not have picked the Bills to win had I known JP Losman would be figuring heavily into the game.  Trent Edwards was knocked out with an apparent concussion and in came old JP.  Buffalo had 4 turnovers and lost the game 41-17.  Arizona played well, no turnovers and a lot of yards despite being without Boldin.  I wish I could get a handle on the Cardinals.  Maybe they only win at home?
• New England is back on the winning side after taking care of San Francisco 30-21.  Cassel had 2 picks but threw one pretty TD to Randy Moss.  NE also direct snapped to Kevin Faulk for a TD.  Might be a good idea to keep the ball out of your QB’s hands when he’s not named Brady I guess.
• Lastly I come to the Indy/Houston game.  I saved it for last for a very specific reason.  This week I am unveiling a new weekly award, to the player who manages to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.  This week that player is none other than Sage Rosenfels, my inaugural Douchetard of the Week! The Colts scored 21 points in a 2 minute time span at the end of the game, one of those touchdowns coming off Rosenfels fumble wherein he went flying through the air like, well, a douchetard, when he just needed to slide down, not hop over.  Indy returned that 68 yards to take it 27-24.  Manning then threw another Manning TD and took the lead.  Sage threw another pick to ice the game.  Instead of being 1-3 and pretty much dead in the playoff race, Indy is 2-2 and has new life.  Houston remains winless.  Congrats, Sage, on being the first Douchetard of the Week!

That’s all I have for the day games in the NFL this week.  If anything fascinating happens in the final two, I’ll be back, if not, hope you enjoyed the games.  I’ll be back next week to discuss whatever random happenings occur again.  Titans vs. the Giants in the SB?  Could be!  What a strange year.

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Diary of a Mad Woman, FSU/Miami Style

Me, during the second half; Image from gather.com

Instead of doing a college football wrap up, I thought I’d take you through a step by step view of my FSU/Miami viewing experience.  That game sapped everything out of me and even though I watched more football, I didn’t retain a whole lot to talk intelligently about it.  There’s something about FSU/Miami that ends up driving me to the brink every year, and this year might have been worse than most.  Times are all approximate, as I was not taking notes.

3:30 PM Kickoff!  Noles get the ball first and Garvin has a great return out near midfield.  Ponder uses his legs to move the Noles a bit, then throws a pick in the end zone.  “Here we go again” I think.

3:45 PM Miami’s QB, Marve, throws a pick to Carter around the Miami 40.  Alright, we’re back where we were prior to the pick.  FSU drives, mostly running by Ponder again, Smith takes it in.  7-0 and I’m feeling fine.

4:15 PM The Noles D is kicking ass and taking names!  Marve looks completely lost out there.  Noles get the ball again and Smith scores again.  I’m scared every time we pass, but Ponder running has been a godsend.

4:45 PM Noles score again and all is well.  Up 21-0 on Miami?  Better than I could have asked for.  Then we squib a kick to the 43 and I’m screaming at the idiocy.  Pin em back and take a 3 TD lead in at the half morons.  Miami ends up getting a field goal to their extremely short field, I am irritated that they got on the board.

5:00 PM Halftime.  Mom calls to congratulate me on how great the team is doing.  I remind her that it’s only half over and it’s Miami.  Too early for congratulations.

5:15 PM Noles D stops Miami and gives the ball back to the offense.  Smith mishandles a Ponder handoff and Miami gets the ball on their own 10.  One play later they have a touchdown.  I’m fuming a bit.  Damn Smith, who cares that he scored 3 TD’s, Ponder did all the work.

5:30 PM Noles answer Miami’s TD with one of their own 31-10.  Miami answers with a FG, ok, I can deal with that.  Noles stopped and have to punt, the moron snaps it over the punters head, he responds by kicking the ball out of the end zone for a safety.  I’m irritated but happy he did something smart instead of giving Miami the ball on their 5 with an easy TD.  31-15 now.

6:00 PM Noles kick off after the safety and Miami’s Benjamin, who I want to die at this point, returns the ball 50 some yards.  One play, halfback pass, Miami TD to Benjamin (who I truly truly hate), 31-22 now.

6:15 PM FSU drives and gets a FG.  I wanted a TD.  Someone dropped a pass, I forget who, and I hate him.  34-22.

6:30 PM Miami, on 4th and 1 from their own 18, fakes a punt and scampers about 15 yards.  I loathe my special teams players.  Miami drives and the defense finally starts to hold, it’s 4th and 6 from the 30 or so.  Marve heaves a pass toward one of his receivers, Nole’s Carter goes up with him and manages to wrestle the ball away for the pick.  Momentary excitement until I realize that douchetard got us the ball on our own 2, instead of us having it at the 30 if he’d have just dropped the ball on the ground.  MORON.

6:32 PM Ahhh Ponder, it was too good to be true.  Instead of running, which you’ve done successfully all day, you loft an airball from the end zone.  Miami catches it and scampers 6 yards for the TD.  34-29.  I am no longer watching the game.  There are 12 minutes to go and I am confident that FSU has lost it.  I hate Miami with every fiber of my being.  I call my mother and demand that she call and tell me what happens, because I refuse to watch.

6:35 PM I get in the bath tub and just chill.  The cats wander in to see if my head has burst from all the rage I have.  I sit in the tub talking to myself about how much I hate my team and how much I hate Miami.  I contemplate never watching football again.  The water was too hot, as was my internal temperature, so I get out.

6:55 PM I’m sitting back in my living room praying that the Noles can hold on.  I’m curious to know what’s happened but afraid to see.  I flip the TV on for one minute and see that Miami got a FG and it’s 34-32.  I slap the TV back off and sit in silence.

7:05 PM I’m dying to know what’s happening but I don’t want to turn the TV on again.  I pick up my laptop and hop on ESPN.com.  I see that the Noles are 2nd and goal from the 9 and immediately get off ESPN.com, as I don’t want to destroy their mojo.

7:10 PM I have to know if we scored, so I log back on ESPN.com.  We did score!  I have no idea how, 41-32.  I see that Miami has the ball with 3:45 to go and get off the site again quickly.

7:12 PM Curiosity is getting the better of me so I call Mom to ask how we scored.  She tells me we had to score twice, the first one was called back because of a penalty and on 3rd and 20 Miami expected us to pass again but Smith ran in for a 20 yard TD.  I love Smith again and want to bear his children.  Mom tells me Miami is on the 30 and there’s 1:45 to go.  I tell her goodbye as I don’t want to hear anything until it’s over.

7:14 PM Mom calls, Miami scored, 41-39.  I yell at her, “Is the game over????” and she says no, there’s 14 seconds yet.  I yell at her again, “Don’t call me til it’s over, OH MY GOD, they’re going to line up for an onside and kick and they’ll get it and win!!!”  She tells me it’s a monsoon right now and I start yelling some more, “NOOOO that means we won’t be able to field the ball well, they’re going to get it, I know it, I have to get off the phone!!!”  Mom says fine and hangs up on my raving ass.

7:15 PM Mom calls, the game is over.  “Did we lose?”  “Nooooo, they kicked it right to one of your guys, he got it and dropped on it, then Ponder had to snap once and he fell on it”.  Thank god!!!  My mother now things I’m a lunatic, but WE WON!!!!

7:30 PM Hop on over to STFU! to celebrate in the win.  Heartbeat is beginning to return to normal but I’m still high on the stress level.  My friend, Crunk, says something to piss me off and I threaten to log off the computer if he doesn’t shut the fuck up.  He says something else to enrage me about the Noles nearly giving away the game and I tell him goodbye.  He wisely quits saying things that annoy me and I’m able to calm down.

8:00 PM I start watching OSU/Wisconsin but never truly come down from the FSU emotion.  I know I’m incapable of talking about any other games, so I decide to do this diary instead.  Next year I think I will take a vacation from this game, it’s bad for my health.  Who am I kidding, I won’t be able to resist.  Self torture commence.  One of these days FSU/Miami will end up giving me a real life heart attack.  Mark it down.