If You’re Going To Screw Us, At Least Buy Us Flowers First

Original Pic Courtesy of Getty Images

Dear NFL,

I get it, really I do.  Here you are, a season in disarray.  The golden boy quarterback was out for the year 8 minutes into the season, the other best QB in the league has looked like a shell of himself this year, teams that should suck aren’t (Atlanta, Miami) and teams that should be good aren’t (San Diego, Indy, GB).  Panic city.  What can we hold on to if we can’t rely on those NFL truths we look to every year?  Up is down and down is up.  You are desperately trying to find some semblance of right in a world of wrong.

Since Brady is out and Manning isn’t all there, you needed to pick a horse to hitch the NFL star wagon on and you selected Dallas.  They’ve got a starting QB who’s a blossoming star with a superstar girlfriend, a diva WR that everybody tunes in to see, whether he’s sulking or scoring, a troubled cornerback left for dead and an owner who is one of the faces of the league.  With a super offense, why not ride Dallas all the way to ratings blockbusters and NFL glory?

But a funny thing happened on the way to the big game.  Romo got hurt, Pacman got suspended, Jerry’s face would show dismay if it could move, and TO has been doing more sulking than scoring.  Dallas started the season 3-0 but then dropped 3 of their last 4 to have a 4-3 record going into today’s match up with Tampa Bay.  With 40 year old Brad Johnson at the helm against one of the top defenses in the league, it was time for drastic measures.  You couldn’t afford to have Dallas lose another game!  Not at home!  Not even to a fellow playoff contender.  America’s team had to win and you saw to it that that was the case didn’t you?

Tampa dominated the game early on, held Dallas to a couple of 3 and outs to start the game and had them punt on their third possession as well.  Meanwhile the offense was moving through the Dallas D, marching up the field.  Fortunately for you, and for Dallas, they kept crapping out in the red zone, having to settle for 2 field goals instead of touchdowns.  Dallas finally had some momentum and got a field goal, it was looking like we’d head into the locker room with a 6-3 lead.  But then you saw a moment and you seized it.

It all started the way the whole drive started, with a horsecollar penalty on Ronde Barber.  I saw it, agree it was one, and it was unnecessary as hell on 3rd and 12 with 3 other Bucs waiting to tackle Barber if Ronde didn’t get him.  So Dallas was in field goal range and we had to figure it was gonna be 6-6 at the half.  Fine, with Bucs D that was alright.  But you weren’t satisfied with getting Dallas a FG were you?  Nope, they needed the lead at the half!  Sooo you had the refs call a pass interference penalty.  I would have been fine with this had you been calling them against Dallas as well, but you weren’t.  Nope, that was reserved for the Bucs.  First down Dallas with about 25 seconds to go.  Ok, we can still hold them to a field goal, no problem!  Oh look!  There’s that Columbo guy picking a fight with Cato June right in front of the ref.  I mean, he’s standing right there and can clearly see Colombo take a swing at Cato before Cato swings back!  Flag flies.  Alright, it’s gotta be on Columbo, he started it and the ref saw him do it.  At worst, it’s offsetting since Cato retaliated.  But no…no for some reason Cato was the only one flagged.  Half the distance to the goal.  One play, TD.  10-6 at the half, enraged Bucs defenders, enraged Bucs fans.

I know they say the last guy always gets caught, but the ref was STANDING RIGHT THERE WATCHING THE WHOLE THING.  Not to mention the fact that Columbo got in 2 other fights earlier in the game!  What the hell?  How could you not flag him?  I’ll tell you how!  You wanted Dallas to eek out a win, and eek they did.  I don’t mind if my team loses, I really don’t, it’s the NFL, you get used to your team losing.  But them having to beat both Dallas and the refs?  Not fair, not cool.  This is the second game that the Bucs have been screwed by some terrible calls, but at least in the Saints game they felt like shitty calls, not preplanned “fix” calls.  You should be ashamed of yourself.  You took what could have been a great game and turned it into a pathetic farce.  You got your one Dallas win, I’d like to see you try that shit next week against the Giants.

Sincerely,

A disappointed fan

PS  And by the way, since when can a cameraman don a jersey of the team playing?  I saw the Dallas cameraman, was he there to make sure if instant replay was needed nobody would see anything definitive in the Bucs favor?  Not very subtle, league, not very subtle!

• In other non-cheating NFL news, I’d like to congratulate both Detroit and Cincy for keeping that 0-16 dream alive.  You’re at the halfway point, men, I’m so proud of you!  Just keep perserving and bring the dream home for me!  I know you can do it!
• Welcome back to reality, Rams.  Nice comeback by Cassel in New England, it’s nice to see that he can bring the team back from the brink of a loss.  They’re not the juggernaut they would be with Tom, but they still have potential in the wide open AFC.
• Hooray, Brett Favre led another come from behind win!  Never mind the fact that he was thre reason they had to come from behind, with his 3 interception day, but he’s still the awesomest QB ever to step on the field!  Where’s Madden?  I need a Favre montage, pronto!
• Perhaps New Orleans and San Diego should play all their games in London.  They put up 37 and 32 points respectively in a NO win.  I bet the people of London were happy after that crappy Giants/Miami game in the rain last year, at least they might get why we like this sport so much (you know, when the fix isn’t in!  Hi NFL refs!)
• Welcome to the coaching ranks, Mike Singletary.  I bet you didn’t expect to get beaten down by the lowly Seahawks for your first game did you?  I know I didn’t expect it, thanks for sticking me with a loss!  Sigh.  Must everyone cross me?
• Holy crap, I just saw that Brett’s wife took to the blogosphere to defend him against the Lions tampering charges, complaining about the heavy toll that all these rumors are having upon him.  BOO FRIGGIN HOO lady.  If your husband had stayed retired, or not retired in the first place, you wouldn’t be in such a shit storm.  Cry me a river.  Sorry, but no sympathy from this end of the blog world for you guys.  Welcome to the NFL and New York.
• Do the Dolphins hate me?  I mean, we’re entering Raven territory with them here.  I pick them to win, they lose, I pick them to lose, they win.  What in the hell is with this team?  I don’t remember Chad Pennington being this confounding when he was with the Jets.  Maybe it’s the Tuna factor?  I guess Ted Ginn finally lived up to his 9th pick status (hehe) and managed to get 175 reception yards.  Go Miami I guess, I don’t get you.  And Buffalo disappointed me.  Maybe NE will take the East again after all.
• Hey Redskins, you lost to the Rams and you nearly lost to Detroit.  You wanna get your heads out of your asses?  You might be the crappiest 6-2 team I’ve ever seen.  Maybe they only get up for divisional foes?  I don’t know, but you fail to impress, yet again.
• Westbrook was finally back and lo and behold, so were the Eagles.  Brian got 2 TD’s and 167 yards.  Matt Ryan had another big game statistically but had 2 picks.  The Falcons are a decent team but they’re not yet good enough to win against good defenses on the road.  They’re a heck of a lot better than anybody expected them to be though.
• Oh Arizona, you and the east coast just don’t get a long.  You had a decent lead on the Panthers but you let them come rushing back and beat you 28-23.  Congrats to Boldin on being back and getting another TD though.  I’m glad you’re healthy, come be a Buc.  Anyway, I saw no highlights of this game but did see Delhomme acting Douchetastic on the sidelines.  I found him annoying, but then I always do.  We’ll see you soon Jake, number one for now in the south but not for long.
• Baltimore beat Oakland, which I expected, but I will continue my voodoo against them every week due to their usually toying with me.  I’m also mad that they failed to leave any diamonds or rolexes in their plane that I got to ride the next day from Baltimore.  Throw a gal a bone, will ya?  Not that kind of bone, pervs.
• Hey Cleveland, where was that offense last week when I was watching you live?  They completed a ton of long passes today in their upset of Jacksonville and the game was awesome at the end.  Jax managed to drive down to the 25 with about 10 seconds to go and Gerrard threw a pass to Jones in the end zone that he juggled 3 times.  Just as he was about to catch it a Cleveland DB reached over and knocked it away.  They had one second left and overthrew the end zone and Cleveland held on 23-17.  Good game.  Not so good?  Jax’s playoff hopes.  Yet another team I can’t figure out.
• We had a real defensive battle between the Giants and Steelers today.  I love watching tough teams like that battle it out.  Ben had a few interceptions and amazingly the Giants got a safety when James Harrison, standing in at long snapper, snapped the ball over the punters head.  Why not have the center be the back up long snapper?  He’s at least used to handling the ball that way…defensive guy? Not so much.  That led to a Giants touchdown with 3 minutes to go.  Pitt actually had 2 chances in those final 3 minutes but got stopped twice on 4th down, the last one via interception.  More importantly, I was reunited with one of my college boyfriends, Limas Sweed, who is now a Steeler.  Yay Limas!
• And because I know you were waiting for it, the Douchetard of the Week award can go only one way.  If you read the beginning of my blog, you know.  It’s the refs in the Dallas game!  For helping the Cowboys snatch victory from the better team, you, Dallas refs and cameraman, are our Douchetards of the Week.  Congratulations!

That’s it for me for the day games.  It’s been a long, exhausting day thanks to my Bucs loss.  But despite that, I’m 9-4 on the week, which isn’t bad at all.  Improvement is good.  I’ll check in with you next week, maybe the refs won’t affect a game next week?  Nah, too much to ask!

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USC vs Penn State, It’s Inevitable

AP

I wish I was talking about this year’s Rose Bowl match up, but I’m quite certain that this will be our BCS championship game.  It won’t matter if Texas and Bama manage to win out, the voters will find a way to get it done.  Who cares if they both just squeaked by their opponents this week?  It’s predestined!  JoePa HAS to be in a title game, he was never gifted with one before (er, I mean, uhhhh, well that was awhile ago dammit!)  USC has to be in the championship game because they’re USC!!!  OMG USC 4EVA!!!  Perhaps Texas will be punished this week for their mere 4 point victory against OK State.  Penn State & USC won by 7 baby!  IMPRESSIVE!!! Sarcasm much?  Hey, it’s in the title of my site, you knew what you were in for!

• How fun is Texas Tech/Texas going to be next week?  TT is awesome to watch, Harrell and Crabtree are a hell of an offensive combo.  This week Colt actually had a few turnovers, which I thought he was incapable of.  I’m sure it’s USC’s fault, they arranged for it to happen.
• The ACC continues to be indicative of the wacky year in college football.  How in the hell did UVA work their way up from laughable doormat to contention in their division?  Props to Miami for knocking off Wake for the Noles, we needed the assistance.  UNC continues to play some good ball and Duke took down Vandy.  Vandy, that was somehow previously ranked in the top 15.  Yeah…uh…next time you might wanna wait before declaring them the darlings of the SEC, media.  Sheesh.
• Speaking of the ACC, my Noles took down Va Tech 30-20 in Tally.  While the game wasn’t dominant, it was a very nice win.  The defense knocked out 2 quarterbacks, bringing a tear to my eye and a smile to my face.  That’s old school Nole D right there!  Ponder didn’t have a great game but he was smart with the football, which is a good sign of growth.  We lost 2 RB’s to injury, but Sims came in and helped out admirably.  Gano continues to be great at kicker, something I have not said since the beloved days of Seabass.  I miss that crazy Pollock!
• I would like to complement the refs for being able to ignore “Macho” Harris draping himself all over my WR’s several times in the game.  I mean, I guess he actually has to remove their pants and start screwing them to get a flag, but whatever.  First round draft pick!  Macho Man!  Thankfully, my boy Greg Carr stepped up late in the game and made two awesome catches in Macho’s face.  Take that, Macho!  Oh and that Easterling TD in the back of the end zone was a thing of beauty!  I didn’t think he even got any feet down, but somehow that tip toe made it!  Awesome!
• Holy Beatdown in the Bayou!  GA puts up 52 on LSU?  52???  I know LSU lost a lot of players to the draft last year but damn.  I’d like to think that this performance bodes well for GA against UF next week.  They too put up 52 on LSU so maybe GA was just making a statement, we can do it too!  Knowshon ripped off a pretty 68 yard run that I happened to see during my flipping on commercials, he saw the hole, waited a second and zoom!  I love him.
• Soooo will Tennessee consider firing Fulmer now?  While their defense wasn’t terrible, they did lose by 20 at home to Bama, who has not been an offensive juggernaut in recent weeks.  I’m fairly sure the Tenn fans want this done.  I know Fulmer won a championship 10 years ago (thanks Mario Edwards, douche) but ten years is a long time.  We’ll see if that was the nail in the coffin.
• Missouri bounced back from their beatdown by Texas by shutting out Colorado 58-0.  Where was that defense a week ago?  I know there’s a difference between Tex and Colorado but still, it takes some talent to get a shut out!  The Big 12 is a lot of fun this year, they may just be my fave conference, god knows they have the QB talent.  OK also put up 58.  I love offense!
• Speaking of offense, how about that offensive explosion in the Ohio State/Penn State game!!!  Whooo hooo, giving the Big 12 a run for it’s money, the Big 10 baby!  Alright, not so much.  This was a defensive battle to save all defensive battles.  Both defenses managed to shut down the other teams running games and the passing wasn’t really there, but thanks to a Pryor fumble in the 4th quarter, Penn State pulled off a win.  I really thought Ohio State might score a TD on their final drive but a pick in the end zone sealed the deal.  Impressive win, I suppose, but I wouldn’t call it BCS worthy.
• And now it’s time for a rant.  A couple of weeks ago I had on ESPN and some moron commentator actually had the balls to say that if Texas and Bama and Penn State won out, Penn State should leapfrog at least one of them and play for the championship.  Why?  Because JoePa is beloved.  The hell???  JoePa has won titles before, it’s not like he’s 81 and never had a championship.  Who does Penn State play besides Ohio State?  I’m waiting….um…nobody.  Right.  So they should leapfrog Bama if they run through the SEC?  Really?  Or Texas if they make it unscathed through the Big 12?  I mean, of course!  He’s JOEPA!  If I handed out Douchetard awards for college football, that commentator would win it.  Just to demonstrate his lack of knowledge, I don’t even know who the hell he was.  Irrelevant fool!  Rant over.
• Speaking of the Big 10, the Spartans knocked off the Wolverines for the first time in 18 or so years.  Good for them, Ringer continues to impress and I look forward to seeing him in the NFL in a year or so.  As to Michigan, what a lost year it is.  West Virginia fans chortle with glee.
• As to the Big East, supposed powerhouses (HA) Pitt and USF both went down.  I would give you some analysis but let’s face it, I, like most of the world, pay no attention to the Big East.  They’re pretty irrelevant in the big picture.  Welcome back to reality USF.  Roy31 at STFU actually told me Pitt was pretty good and could beat my Noles.  To that I say another HA!  They lost to a shitty Rutgers team (Schiano is still kicking himself for NOT taking that Michigan job) and should fall out of the rankings.  See ya Panthers!
• I would give you an intense breakdown of the USC game, but let’s face it, it was on after my bedtime and I wouldn’t have watched it had I been awake.  I guess Arizona was supposed to be some tough test for them and they survived it (like there is any such thing as a tough test in the Pac 10).  They won by 7 over a Stoops coached team.  I might be impressed if that Stoops team was Bob’s, but no, it was just Mike’s.  A 17-10 game for USC?  Really?  Color me unimpressed, but go ahead and vault them over OK in the rankings anyway.  You only have so many weeks left to get them to their rightful position voters!

Well that’s all I have from the week in college football.  There weren’t any major shakeups, but I’m sure we have more coming.  Next week we get that Texas Tech/Texas matchup and UF vs. GA, so it should be fun!  See ya for those games and more!

 

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