College Football Seasonal Depression

 

For the past several years, I’ve gotten really excited at the beginning of college football season and then really depressed once November rolls around.  This season is no exception.  I don’t know if it’s the cold weather, the time change, or the fact that certain Seminoles can’t be bothered to show up to class or not get into a fight during something as mundane as “flea market Wednesdays in the Student Union” but these past three weeks make me want to pull the covers over my head and emerge sometime well into January.  Oh and the fact that I’m sure somewhere in Gainesville another round of “National Champions” T-shirts are being printed isn’t helping.

Some notes:

• Anytime your team stages a Blackout and Kirk Herbstreit is on the scene, calling the game, run, don’t walk out of the stadium immediately.  I feel like a broken record, because I’m spoken ill of the Blackout for years.  It’s almost like I’m playing the role of Cassandra in the Iliad.  “Oh look, it’s a Trojan Horse filled with black uniforms?  Hurry, let’s drag it inside Doak Campbell Stadium!”
• Steve Spurrier’s facial expressions will never get old to me.  I know he doesn’t want to end up as a “figurehead” so I suggest he take his talents on the road and teach Method at The Actor’s Studio.  Seriously, Steve is 95% more expressive than any actor or actress over 38 working in Hollywood today.  Plus, he’s also good with the tears.  I can just see him coaching Nicole Kidman: “Nic, just think that you’re out there on the sidelines.  Imagine your team is up by 28 points in the Fourth Quarter.  Then your quarterback takes some late hits and your opponents rally to tie you at 31.  Go with it!”
• The Gators can be up by 1,000 points and Tim Tebowwill most likely still be in the game.  Okay, I know he eventually came out, but still.  As I said to anyone that would listen during my Patriots’ Bandwagon Season last year, I don’t care if you run up the score by 200 points, just as long as you don’t have your first stringers in there.  Besides, I would like to see Tebow multitask on the sidelines by adopting orphans and/or bailing out General Motors.
• I sat up late last night going through every possible scenario for the ACC Championship game.  Oh to be in the SEC where the teams were determined earlier in the month and the outcome has already been decided.
• I watched President-Elect Obama on 60 Minutes discussing the importance of a College Football Playoff System.  Sadly, if it needed to, I’m sure that would clear Congress with the requisite amount of votes while the fate of our auto industry lingers on.
• At least I’m not a Michigan Fan.

My long, Penn State, National Nightmare is over

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On Saturday, November 1st, I entered into a self-imposed NCAA football exile that lasted until 3:30 pm on Saturday, November 8th.  The crushing FSU defeat was just too much for me.  I couldn’t handle the ESPN coverage, the twelve emails I get from the Official Seminoles website and the Facebook status updates.  It was all too much, so I stopped watching Gameday, didn’t read any sports articles and I had to learn by word of mouth about Phil Fulmer.  Luckily for me, the Election and Susan Lucci getting voted off of Dancing with the Stars proved to be huge distractions.

Of course, the Seminoles were able to pull off a win against Clemson in the first non-Bowden bowl in years.  I’ll be honest: I’ve always hated the Bowden Bowl so I’m not really crying in my pillow at night about the it.  With that being said, I’m extremely happy that the running game has returned, we beat Clemson at home and Bobby pulled out a win on his birthday. 

I thought it was really sweet of Iowa to give Bobby Bowden a one-win advance on Joe Paterno’s lead.  Hopefully Joe Pa will give me a Christmas present and retire in January.

Of course Penn State’s loss is Florida’s gain as the Gators beat up my one time hope, Vandy.  Remember how strong Vandy was out of the gate?  It reminded me of how I was so certain that Rudy Giuliani was going to be the Republican nominee and then he wasted all of his campaign time and money in Florida and we ended up with McCain and a Neiman Marcus shopper who can see Russia from her house.  So now everyone I know is planning SEC Championship tailgates and I’m hoping that we win out and Wake Forest loses again. 

What’s up with USC? How can I continue to make fun of them if they only outscore their opponent by 14 points?  For people living in Los Angeles, they’re not making a very impressive showing for November Sweeps.  Seriously, Pete Carroll’s evil twin should show up or Sanchez should show up on Gameday with Teri Hatcher on his arm.  Something.  Come on guys, you’re losing in ratings to the Big XII.  A conference lacking any kind of discernible defense.  That’s another thing.  I’m getting confused (and a little bored) with all the Texas and Oklahoma teams.  Texas, Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, etc.  Since the defenses don’t show up, why don’t they just settle the conference title game by having on of those carnival booths where all the quarterbacks can just throw the football into a hole?  That would be like a good, thirty second clip tailor made for SportsCenter.

Colt, Jorts, and Jack-O-Lanterns

Last week was a fantastic day in college football…for me at least, maybe not for Kentucky, Phil Fulmer, or the Virginia Tech Hokies, but I had an awesome time.  I went back to Tallahassee, took pictures in front of every statue at the stadium (seriously, Florida State and the city of Tallahassee-at large are crazy about the statues), saw W., ate Mexican two nights in a row and saw my beloved Seminoles win again.  True confession: I’ve never attended a football game where the team I was rooting for lost.  Therefore, I would like to announce that I will be attending the Florida State game this Saturday at Georgia Tech (which automatically makes me better off than Corey Surrancy*).  Look for me on the Visitor’s Side, I’ll be the little girl bundled up in a faux-fur coat and Bill Belichick-style headband.

*So I was thinking that between the players getting suspended left and right, the winning streak, and knocking quarterbacks out of games, this 2008 Seminole Team reminds me somewhat of the ones in the mid to late Nineties.  Although it’s not the same without a tearful Steve Spurrier throwing his visor in disgust, but I’ll take it.

Moving on, it’s time for the annual Floria/Georgia game.  (Of course I will be at another game between a Florida team and a Georgia team but we’ve covered that).  So there’s all this talk about the bad blood between the teams, how Florida thinks Georgia is crass and cocky for celebrating on the field and how Tim Tebow has the highest quarterback rating in performing circumcisions.  I’m calling this one for Florida because a) I want them to win every game until November 29, b) my brother goes to Florida, c) karma points and d) Tim Tebow Hot Wings.

Each week I pray that Penn State will lose.  To be perfectly honest, that’s the only thing I pray about which is probably why it hasn’t happened…yet.  Anyway, since they’re off this weekend I am going to concentrate all my energy on Texas losing to Texas Tech just because I love an upset.  Of course, I’ll come back here on Sunday and they’ll still be ranked Number 1, but I can dream.

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Going back to Tally

Just call me Chris Farley auditioning for Chippendales because I am working for the weekend.  Honestly, this week was intense.  Here’s what’s been going on:

a) I have to worry that I’m going to be stuck at voting precinct for hours on election day because I’m too busy to take off for early voting,

b) I’m concerned that any donations I make to my political party are being spent at Saks Fifth Avenue and other stores that I can’t afford to shop at,

c) No matter how many times the kindly announcers at ABC remind me, I always forget that Life on Mars is new every Thursday,

and

d) I’ve been sitting in my cold apartment afraid to turn the heat on because I’m afraid OPEC will raise the price of oil (I’ve been reading Fox News online too much).

So here it is, Thursday night and I remembered that I’m supposed to go to Tallahassee on Saturday and watch a football game.  Honestly, I’m just excited to go somewhere warm.  I’m confident that we can pull off a win so that I can celebrate by eating Guthries Golden Fried Chicken Fingers.  If not, I’m drowning my sorrows in Guthries Golden Fried Chicken Fingers.

There are some pretty good games this week: Florida hosts Kentucky for Homecoming, so you know the Gators must not think too highly of them.  Also, it’s an early game so you’ve got drunken alumni waking up from their stupors in their old frat houses so they can load up on Tim Tebow Hot Wings.  I don’t understand the concept of the early Homecoming game.  Let me tell you something, as an alumni, we just can’t stay out late till all hours of the morning watching The Steve Miller Band at Gator Growl and then recover in time for a Noon Thirty game.  We’re old.  That’s why 3:30 games are perfect.  Night games are nice but we’re too old to be up that late.  I think that’s one of the reasons why I keep missing Life on Mars.

Also exciting is Duke at Vanderbilt.  Ha!  I’m totally lying. 

The top three BCS teams are playing this week and while they all should pull out a win, how awesome would it be if they all lost (especially Penn State)?  I mean, that would give the Sports Media something to talk about for days, eclipsing any and all stories about Tony Romo and his pinkie.  Would one of the Big 3 losing count as an October Surprise?  Won’t you be glad when it’s November 5th and I stop relating everything to politics and just go back to making inappropriate connections with film and television?  By the way, what’s up with all those quasi-sports but really more tabloid gossip-stories about who’s going to get to the alter first? Giselle and Tom or Jessica and Tony?  Let me just say right now that I firmly believe Romo will never marry Jessica.  He saw Newlyweds; he’s obviously met her father.  Not going to happen.  Never ever.

Oh and I’m really serious about getting a sideline press pass. I’m a legitimate Sports Writer.  I’ll ask the hard questions that Erin Andrews won’t, such as “Mickey Andrews, what’s up with the pirate-striped polo shirts you all sport on the road?”

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The BCS is always bigger in Texas

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First things first: I still dislike Thursday night games, even though this last one worked out well for me.  I just don’t need to be that anxious about anything non-work related during the week.  Secondly, since the Noles played during the week and the Gators had a bye, I really didn’t know what to do with myself.  I went and got my oil changed where I met a Georgia fan who told me to “make sure that they (the Seminoles) beat the Gators” even though the Bulldogs will meet Florida first; went to a drug store where I was chased by a crazy old lady; and spent a good half hour contemplating whether or not I should take my nemesis, Kirk Herbstreit’s advice and order a bacon-wrapped sirloin from Outback Steakhouse to go (I passed).

I also watched a lot of football.  Games I was happy about: Tech beating Clemson (don’t ask me why), Maryland shutting out Wake Forest (honestly it was time) and BC beating Virginia Tech.  On paper this looks pretty dismal for the ACC, but you know what?  I don’t care because the Seminoles are back in the Top 25 and hopefully this time they’ll stay there longer than 6 days.  Games that upset me: Penn State wining over Michigan (the Bowden/Paterno feud lives on), LSU beating South Carolina (I’m tired of them and I enjoy Spurrier when he’s not in the blue and orange) and Texas dominating Missouri (I wanted another upset).

So the first BCS standings came out and I can’t say that I’m really shocked by the Top 4.  I’m not happy about them, but I’m not surprised.  It’s every team that comes after that’s kind of crazy.

 There’s just something about this Texas team that makes me feel like they’re not going to go the distance.  As much as I enjoy saying the words “Colt” and “McCoy” I just can’t see them staying at Number 1.  Plus Texas had the big Rose Bowl victory a few years back and the comeback stories of Alabama and Penn State are more media friendly.  Plus if Penn State wins the National Championship maybe Joe Paterno will retire, Bobby will get the record back and then I can live peacefully.  Speaking of which, while forcing myself to watch the Penn State game, I noticed that Joe Paterno was sitting in the booth while basically every member of the FSU coaching staff (including “Coach in Waiting” Jimbo Fisher) roams the sidelines.  There’s more coaches on the FSU sidelines than cougar groupies at a Bon Jovi concert.  I momentarily wondered what it would be like if Bobby sat up in the booth but then I remebered I wouldn’t get to see my two favorite people: Bobby’s State Trooper Billy and that young man who always walks beside him carrying his headset, so I erased the thought from my mind.

So the BCS has USC at 5 while the AP Poll has them at 6.  I mean, USC scored like a thousand points yesterday!  Yes, granted they have one loss but I think they should be given a higher BCS ranking just because they can shut out teams while wearing uniforms that resemble ketchup and mustard. Is it just me or does anyone else want to eat hotdogs while watching them?

Further down in the polls, we have Florida.  While they are ranked at 5 in the AP Poll (ahead of the Greatest Team of All Time) they are only number 10 in the BCS, behind Georgia (at number 7!!!).  What’s that all about?  Did the BCS have some bad Tim Tebow hot wings or something? Suddenly the Florida/Georgia game just got more interesting.  It’s not just drunks in Halloween costumes mixing it up in Jacksonville, it’s SEC East dominance and a chance to jump up in the BCS standings.  To add further insult to injury, Ohio State is ahead of Florida.  Ohio State!  Seriously BCS, why not just add insult to injury and put South Florida and John McCain ahead of them too?

While on the subject, I feel that South Florida is like the Miley Cyrus of College Football.  Young, came out of nowhere, expoded onto the scene, cocky and then inevitably they’ll fall into an awkward stage where no one cares about them anymore.  For Miley, the young kids will turn on her and begin to worship Selena Gomez and she’ll end up on VH1 Where Are The Now?  while USF will lose a few more games and realize that they’re not the dominant team in the state they thought they were.

In other “can you believe this?” news, I drove past the Georgia Tech campus today and realized I was looking at the Number 18 team in the nation.  I felt like Mugatu, because I, too, wondered if I was taking crazy pills.

Hallucinations aside, next week I’ll be in Tallahassee watching the Noles host Virginia Tech and trying to hustle a press pass since after all, I am a Sports Writer.

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Who needs Thursdays?

I’m just going to come out and say it: I hate Thursday night games.  I mean, they’re right up there with Blackouts and Oregon’s uniforms on the list of things I don’t get about College Football.  Since I’ve already touched on why blackouts are a bad idea (see Georgia) and I don’t have the bandwith to write about Oregon’s crimes against fashion, I’ve decided to stick to weeknight games.  It’s just not Thursday games anymore, college football is on more often than Seinfeld reruns: Tuesdays, Thursdays, Fridays.  What’s the deal?

Why so much hate for Weeknight Games, you might ask?  It’s totally unnecessary.  I know there are like three hundred teams now but do we really need to cut into weeknights?  Thankfully, when I was in college (I’m dating myself) we didn’t have to worry about Thursday night games (nor did we have to worry about losing but that’s for another blog).  We woke up Saturday, adjusted our days contingent upon kickoff time, went to the game and once we’d sufficiently run up the score, left and went out to the bars.  I couldn’t imagine going to class all day and then dragging myself to the stadium for a night game.  But it’s not just about the kids.  As an alumni, I don’t want to have to leave work early on Thursday, drive all the way to Tallahassee, watch the game, go to sleep (I’m old y’all) and then recover the next day which I’ve also had to take time off for.  Needless to say, I am not attending tomorrow’s game (it’s in North Carolina) but I’ll be watching which means that I’ll have to postpone watching The Office and other assorted shows tomorrow night.  I know, what a sacrifice.  Except that I have to go to work on Friday and win or lose I’m going to be tired (although if we lose I’m going to be tired and cranky).

Another reason that I don’t like Thursday games is all the upsets.  I can’t take all that on a weeknight.  I work all week; I’m tired.  I don’t want Pete Carroll’s disappointed face appearing in my nightmares.  Seriously, what’s up with all the upsets on Thursdays?  USC lost.  USF lost.  Clemson lost and their coach was fired.  (Okay, I don’t think the Clemson lost was an upset, but they could have won their game.  Also, as my dad pointed out, Tommy lost to Wake Forest and got the boot, while Bobby has lost games to them for the past three years (including at least one humiliating defeat) and Jeff is the one that gets his contract bought out.  Does Wake Forest have some goal to break all the Bowdens?  I smell a conspiracy.  I’ll get Oliver Stone on the phone about this.  He can call this movie W…F.

Lastly, I sincerely hope that FSU decides to bring the band tomorrow.  Do you remember two years ago (also on a Thursday) when they neglected to bring the band, instead bringing along some crazy high school rent-a-band?  Bad omen, FSU.  Believe me, that was in one of my Letters of Truth.

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Alas, poor Vandy, I knew the well

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As it was my birthday weekend, I decided to give myself a bye and took the week off.  Then all my hopes for the future were crushed when Vandy lost, so I had to get back to the computer.  I mean, this was supposed to be a stress-free weekend for me; the Seminoles were off and I was going to eat delicious Thai food with some friends.  Then Vandy goes and loses to Mississippi State of all teams.  I’m telling you that cow bell must have been in overdrive.  I really wanted Vady to go the distance; I wanted them to run the table and have Verne Lundquist shout out “do you believe in miracles?” as Vandy won the SEC Championship.  Now all I’m left with is a failed promise and leftover Thai noodles.

Moving on, I’m so glad that someone woke up Pete Carroll and the Trojans and reminded them that they’re supposed to be the most dominant team in College Football.  Or the most dominant team in any sport.  Or in any competition.  I mean, if given the chance, they could probably give Michael Phelps a run for his money.  They could solve the banking crisis and probably win all of California’s Electoral Votes.  I know, I’m getting ahead of myself, they’re currently sitting in Sixth and all, but I think the Media will eat up their comeback story.  Look at Britney Spears, she was driving up and down Sunset Boulevard, popping into ever odd Rite Aid for months, dating married photographers, and abandoning Mercedes on the side of the road for months.  Now everyone’s excited that she combs her hair and is releasing a new single.  Take note, Pete Carroll, everyone loves the Comeback Kid.

Speaking of comebacks, in a move that ensures that a good majority of my friends and my brother will continue to speak to me, Florida destroyed LSU and then leaped ahead of the Trojans in the polls.  I would like to point out that after my aforementioned birthday dinner, my friends and I ended up a bar to watch this game, but unbeknownst to all of us, we ended up at THE  Gator Alumni bar.  When I told my Dad the story this morning he sighed “Oh God” like I was Barbara Streisand crashing a Republican Fundraiser or something.  Contrary to popular belief, I can behave myself in public, especially since I picked UF to win (even though secretly I wanted them to lose…I find I win either way).  Also, you’ll be happy to know that this bar served such fare as “Tim Tebow Wings”.  You know, I don’t care what establishment I’m at, but I’m going to refer to all Buffalo wings as Tim Tebow Wings from now on. You should to. 

Of course, the big story is Texas beating Oklahoma which I kind of suspected would happen.  I don’t think we’re going to see a team that can stay #1 for a significant amount of time this year…especially since the Longhorns haven’t received the memo that it’s all about the Gators and the Trojans.  The Longhorns shouldn’t be too upset though; I’m sure Matthew McConaughey will grill out for them on the patio of his Airstream Trailer.

Lastly, I’d like to say how disappointed I am in Clemson for blowing the Thursday night game.  Now, I hate Thursday night games, something you will learn more about later in the week when I right about the upcoming FSU/NC State game, but I really wanted the Tigers to pull this out.  Make no mistake, I don’t harbor any love for Clemson, I just need Wake Forest to lose multiple times.  Of course, Wake Forest continues to only have one non-conference loss (to FSU, naturally) and Tommy Bowden is poised to be on the hot seat again.  Now I know it seems like Tommy is proverbially on the hot seat but I worry about the Tigers coming to Tallahassee next month.  Irregardless, if nothing else, maybe Vandy will rebound, win out the rest of their Conference schedule and then beat Wake.  Wow, I know I just totally shut down a team in my own Division, but I don’t even care.  You all should know by now that I’m totally arbitrary with who I pick to win anyways.

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Sooner than later…USC will rise again

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First of all, let me say how happy I am that yesterday was not another soul-crushing Saturday, of which I have suffered many in the last five years. 

Now, on with the AP Poll:

1.) Oklahoma! I like to write Oklahoma with an “!” for emphasis like the eponymous musical.  That’s really all I have to say about them at this point.  I’m sorry; I guess like most members of the media (ha!) I’m just so used to seeing “1.) USC” that my brain has ceased to function.  What’s next? An SEC team that’s not LSU, Georgia or Florida at Number 2?

2.) Alabama: Not that I can really talk (like that will stop me) but that game seemed a little close…

3.) Missouri: I feel like Sarah Palin during the VP Debate because you’re asking me to talk about Missouri but I’m just going to jump ahead and talk about…

4.) LSU: …Something I know.  There, this is so much better.   The Tigers travel to Jortstown, USA next week to play the Gators.  No doubt, Florida will be out for revenge due to last year’s heartbreaker.  As much as I dislike UF, I hope the Gators can bring it, too.  For the rest of this story, skip down to Number 11 (look it’s like a Choose Your Own Adventure)!

5.) Texas: I can’t decide if I want them to win next week or not.  And where are the crazy Matthew McConaughey antics?  He’s the cover boy of Texas Monthly for God’s sake!

6.) Penn State: If Penn State goes undefeated then my head will explode because the Paterno/Bowden rivalry will continue into next season.  They’re like Adams and Jefferson at this point.

7.) Texas Tech: This goes out to my friend, Bonnie, who called me up to tell me that her mother’s alma mater is ranked higher than hers (UF).  She also told me that she was stranded in an Outback Steakhouse in Florida that was only showing MLB on a Saturday night.  I’m sorry, but how is that even possible?  First of all, despite the fact that teams come down for Spring Training every year, it’s pretty obvious that Florida doesn’t care about baseball, I mean look at exhibit a) the Marlins and exhibit B) the Rays. The Marlins have won two World Series titles and the Rays made the playoffs but does anyone care?  (No, because neither team has a ”T. Tebow” on the roster).  I would even venture that Florida really isn’t that big into Professional Football, exhibit C) The Jaguars (again, no “T. Tebow”).  But everyone in Florida loooooovvvveeesss the Gators!  Oh, I’m sorry.  I was supposed to be writing about Texas Tech.  Moving on…

8.) USC:  Eight?  How is this possible?  Is this impacting Pete Carroll’s ability to get into Nobu?  Can Sanchez and the boys still get into clubs or do they have to wait in line like all the kids from UCLA?  What is this world coming to? 

9.) Brigham Young: Let me just get back to USC for a minute.  Remember at the beginning of the year when everyone said that there wasn’t a better team out there and they were almost as good as the Pros?  Have the Trojans been stripped of all that hyperbole now?  Are they just going to quietly go to The Rose Bowl?  How will my heart go on?

10.) Georgia: I wonder if Georgia will stage any more Blackouts.  I don’t mean to be a naysayer, but I’m against them.  Need I remind anyone of the 2006 Florida State Blackout that spawned The Letter of Truth?  Well, I’m sure some UGA Boosters penned their own Letters of Truth this week.  I mean, Georgia is in the midst of a gasoline shortage and all those poor fans drove to Athens to wear their freshly bought black t-shirts only to sit in stunned silence for thirty odd minutes.  I wonder if you can write off “emotional distress due to college football game” on your state income taxes…

11.) Florida: (Continued from #4)  So last year, I was invited to a Gator party to watch the LSU game.  I think I was the only non-Gator there so I had to be on my best behavior.  Of course, when you mix liquor with losing, some people will turn on you, even if you’re just sitting there quietly, eating delicious mini-Oreo cheesecake bites.  Therefore, I’m calling this one for the Gators.  (I just want all my friends to continue to speak to me.)

12.) Ohio State: So for some reason, I was forced to watch this game last night.  I didn’t have any big plans as most of my friends were still out of town so I thought I would curl up with my regularly scheduled USC game, except I live on the East Coast which apparently means I’m supposed to care about the Buckeyes.  But doesn’t my ABC affiliate realize that USC is the most important team ever?  That would be like them withholding showing the VP Debate because I don’t live in a geographical area filled with Joe Six Packs and Hockey Moms.  Oh and what’s up with that “link arms and sway” thing that they do before the game?  It reminds me of the world’s largest game of red rover.

13.) Vandy!: They get an “!” too because they make me smile.  As my mom would say, God bless them!  I hope they win it all.  Then the whole team can be on Anderson Cooper’s show. 

19.) South Florida: I’m skipping, I know and I don’t care.  Just like I don’t care who knows that I wanted them to lose on Thursday.  State of Florida loyalty be damned, if FSU and UF have one loss, then USF can too.  Deal with it.  I think the only Florida team I actively dislike more than USF is UCF, which is odd since my youngest brother goes there.  He can’t be bothered with following the football team as a) no one busts any fat, mixed martial arts moves and b) no one on the team is a cage fighter.

20.) Auburn: Why are they still in the Top 25?  They’re like the Hillary Clinton of the AP Poll.  They’re not going out without a fight. 

21.) Wake Forest: Why are they still in the Top 25?  I know I just said that about Auburn, but I mean it more about this team. 

22.) North Carolina: I’m sorry, I must be hallucinating.  Basketball hasn’t started right? 

Not receiving votes: Florida State: Where’s the love?  Yes, I know, FSU cracked the Top 25 and then blew it.  But you know what?  FSU is in College Football Rehab.  They get released and then relapse and then they show a little promise.  I get that the AP Voters are a little hesitant to give the Noles another chance, but come on…Auburn’s lost twice!  Now, the win yesterday wasn’t pretty.  In fact, it was ten kinds of heinous, but as all my Gator friends always like to say “a ‘W’ is a ‘W’”.  Plus, did you all see those swanky new striped shirts all the coaches were sporting?  They should at least be 25 for daring to wear horizontal stripes.  I mean, Mickey Andrews was kind of channeling Mr. Smee, but while the playcalling can be conservative at times, they’re nothing if not fashion risk takers.  Speaking of people that make the big bucks, was anyone else confused by Bob Griese’s “keys to winning the game” yesterday?  It was like “stay cool” for the Seminoles and “finish” for Miami.  Hmm, while “staying cool” is definitely valid, is that the best you can come up with?  Did you leave your notes in the hotel room?  And “finish”?  Well, I do believe most teams attempt to finish every game, although how funny would it have been if Miami would have just stopped in the Third Quarter and were like “hey, this game’s old; let’s all go to Mansion?”  Now for my weekly “What’s Bobby Doing” moment:  I think Bobby was so excited that he was going to win in Miami (and not fall further behind Paterno) that he went up to several players and seemed to congratulate them on a job well done.  While I thought this was akin to President Bush meeting with the Olympic Beach Volleyball teams for pictures in Bejing, my father disagreed and said it was more like the kindly, retired gentleman that greets you as you walk into Wal-Mart.

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Wide Right Again

October is a very traditional month for me: I celebrate my birthday; I decorate for Halloween; when I was in high school and college I would frequently work on the homecoming festivities, and I watch the annual FSU/Miami game.  This is probably my favorite rivalry: the field goal misses, the trash talking, Bobby Bowden looking frequently bewildered; it’s the whole package.  I know that Florida/Florida State is actually a “bigger” series, but I hate the Gators and the jorts they rode in on.  The Hurricanes are a team I somewhat respect, until they force us into a field goal situation we can’t possibly win and then desicrate our Seminole head on the 50 yard line.

Can I just say that I don’t know if I should be depressed or mildly amused by the fact that “Wide Right” actually has its own Wikipedia entry.  I’m also somewhat surprised that the whole Wide Right (or Left) stigma hasn’t forced the Seminoles to actively recruit qualified kickers over the years (Janikowski notwithstanding).  Sure, the Noles can block a field goal; it’s the kicking it that’s the hard part.

Indulge me for a moment as I share with you one of my favorite memories of this rivalry (if you need to, just picture me as Burt Reynolds, slumped on the couch of his Jupiter home during The Bobby Bowden show every Sunday morning on The Sunshine Network),  When I was little, my dad took my younger brothers to a birthday party at a local beach hotel.  While my brothers played beach volleyball with their friends, my dad and I watched the game inside the hotel at the sports bar.  Even then I knew a lot about football (and about sports betting).  Since I didn’t have any money to speak of, I bet my dad two Cookies and Cream flavored Twix candy bars that the Seminoles would miss the field goal (just call me Pete Rose).  Let’s just say that my dad took that bet and I feasted on cookies and cream that evening.  But my bet winning wasn’t even the best part; it was Bobby running out onto the field in a tight sweater, thrilled to have just won the game…and then realizes that the kick was bad.  Look I love the Noles, but that moment never manages to crack me up.  It was the dadgummit heard round the world. Maybe I’m a bad fan; but I just like to think I’m a good judge of unintentional comedy.

Speaking of which, how funny is it that all the announcers refer to Jimbo Fisher as “Coach in Waiting” now?  The whole thing makes me think that Jimbo is actually the Prince Charles of the Seminoles Coaching Staff to Bobby’s Queen Elizabeth with his jumbo championship rings and frequent hat changes.  I guess that makes Mickey Prince Phillip since he has no shot at the head coaching job but has had Bobby’s back forever. (Also he’s very gruff.)  Chuck Amato can be Prince Andrew since he went out on his own for a while but returned and seems to have been welcomed back in the fold.  Mark Richt is Fergie; mixing it up with everyone and then bailing out for more lucrative opportunities.  Ponder and Richardson can be Princes Wills and Harry while poor Drew Weatherford has to settle being one of Princess Anne’s children that not even the tabloids care about.

Here’s what I expect to see on Saturday: Turnovers, big defensive plays, actual field goals, Sebastian the Ibis dancing around like a lunatic, “die hard” Miami fans (yet none of them ever matriculated there) and Billy, Bobby’s Trooper, trying to squeeze into the camera frame during the post game hand shake.

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The Fall of Troy

AP

This past week I’ve been somewhat depressed (and rightfully distressed) by my Alma Mater’s poor showing this past weekend, but after last night, I don’t feel so bad…or do I?  Between the collapse of Washington Mutual and the Trojan Horse that was Oregon State, what are we going to do?  Poor Pete Carroll, he was like the mythical King Priam of Troy, elated when golden boy Paris brings Helen of Sparta home and then deeply, deeply troubled when he has to go to the Greeks and ransom Hector’s body back.   (That was for my Dad, who used to ask me “Brandi, why do you take so many classes on Ancient Greece?” in college.  Answer: ”So I can one day use my knowledge of mythology to ridicule PAC 10 schools”.).

Of course, USC’s loss is the SEC’s gain…until the SEC teams start picking each other off.  Because let me reiterate this most important of points, USC and teams from the SEC are the only teams that could be eligible to win the National Championship, at least according to the media.  This USC loss is huge.  I want John McCain and Barack Obama to take time from their busy schedule of fixing the economy to comment on THE MOST IMPORTANT EVENT OF THE WEEK.  I also want to hear from Sarah “I can see USC from my house” Palin.  I want Nancy Grace to camp outside The Coliseum taking calls from all of my distraught LA pals.  That’s how monumental this is…except this happens to USC like every year.  Honestly, shouldn’t we just expect this by now?

Speaking of foregone conclusions, the Gators host Ole Miss this weekend.  I predict this game will only be rough on the fans since it takes place at 12:30 which means that many kids including my brother will be too hungover to daydrink to their best capabilities.

US Presswire

Elsewhere in the BEST CONFERENCE OF ALL TIME, Auburn hopes to rebound against Tennessee, while the Vols pray that all of their traveling fans remain in their seats until the 4th Quarter.  Then there’s the Blackout.  Sigh.  Florida State has attempted two Blackouts, one of which resulted in one of my now-famous “Letters of Truth”.  I don’t think The Blackout serves any real purpose other than getting drunk kids to buy black T-shirts, but I believe the Bulldogs will pull ahead, while the Bamafans will file this away under the heading “Reasons to Fire Saban”.

In Florida State News, they travel to Jacksonville for some inane reason to play Colorado.  They better pull off a win because I don’t want to spend another Saturday night, in shock, contemplating burning clothing.  Also, Clemson plays Maryland.   Bowden loyalty be damned, I’m going for Maryland.  North Carolina State plays my new nemesis, USF, and I hope the Wolf Pack can pull this off.  I can’t deal with so many football programs in Florida.

While we’re on the topic of things that bother me: Penn State.  It goes like this: the more Penn State wins and Florida State loses, the longer the Paterno/Bowden feud will linger.  Now, I would really like Bobby to regain the lead in Most NCAA Wins, but not at the expense of the program.  Look, I loved that old primetime soap Dallas, but even Larry Hagman realized that good things need to come to an end.  Anyway, all selfishness on my part aside, why is this the Saturday Evening Football game?  Oh that’s right, because USC graciously ceded the timeslot away played on Thursday.

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