The BCS is always bigger in Texas

AP

First things first: I still dislike Thursday night games, even though this last one worked out well for me.  I just don’t need to be that anxious about anything non-work related during the week.  Secondly, since the Noles played during the week and the Gators had a bye, I really didn’t know what to do with myself.  I went and got my oil changed where I met a Georgia fan who told me to “make sure that they (the Seminoles) beat the Gators” even though the Bulldogs will meet Florida first; went to a drug store where I was chased by a crazy old lady; and spent a good half hour contemplating whether or not I should take my nemesis, Kirk Herbstreit’s advice and order a bacon-wrapped sirloin from Outback Steakhouse to go (I passed).

I also watched a lot of football.  Games I was happy about: Tech beating Clemson (don’t ask me why), Maryland shutting out Wake Forest (honestly it was time) and BC beating Virginia Tech.  On paper this looks pretty dismal for the ACC, but you know what?  I don’t care because the Seminoles are back in the Top 25 and hopefully this time they’ll stay there longer than 6 days.  Games that upset me: Penn State wining over Michigan (the Bowden/Paterno feud lives on), LSU beating South Carolina (I’m tired of them and I enjoy Spurrier when he’s not in the blue and orange) and Texas dominating Missouri (I wanted another upset).

So the first BCS standings came out and I can’t say that I’m really shocked by the Top 4.  I’m not happy about them, but I’m not surprised.  It’s every team that comes after that’s kind of crazy.

 There’s just something about this Texas team that makes me feel like they’re not going to go the distance.  As much as I enjoy saying the words “Colt” and “McCoy” I just can’t see them staying at Number 1.  Plus Texas had the big Rose Bowl victory a few years back and the comeback stories of Alabama and Penn State are more media friendly.  Plus if Penn State wins the National Championship maybe Joe Paterno will retire, Bobby will get the record back and then I can live peacefully.  Speaking of which, while forcing myself to watch the Penn State game, I noticed that Joe Paterno was sitting in the booth while basically every member of the FSU coaching staff (including “Coach in Waiting” Jimbo Fisher) roams the sidelines.  There’s more coaches on the FSU sidelines than cougar groupies at a Bon Jovi concert.  I momentarily wondered what it would be like if Bobby sat up in the booth but then I remebered I wouldn’t get to see my two favorite people: Bobby’s State Trooper Billy and that young man who always walks beside him carrying his headset, so I erased the thought from my mind.

So the BCS has USC at 5 while the AP Poll has them at 6.  I mean, USC scored like a thousand points yesterday!  Yes, granted they have one loss but I think they should be given a higher BCS ranking just because they can shut out teams while wearing uniforms that resemble ketchup and mustard. Is it just me or does anyone else want to eat hotdogs while watching them?

Further down in the polls, we have Florida.  While they are ranked at 5 in the AP Poll (ahead of the Greatest Team of All Time) they are only number 10 in the BCS, behind Georgia (at number 7!!!).  What’s that all about?  Did the BCS have some bad Tim Tebow hot wings or something? Suddenly the Florida/Georgia game just got more interesting.  It’s not just drunks in Halloween costumes mixing it up in Jacksonville, it’s SEC East dominance and a chance to jump up in the BCS standings.  To add further insult to injury, Ohio State is ahead of Florida.  Ohio State!  Seriously BCS, why not just add insult to injury and put South Florida and John McCain ahead of them too?

While on the subject, I feel that South Florida is like the Miley Cyrus of College Football.  Young, came out of nowhere, expoded onto the scene, cocky and then inevitably they’ll fall into an awkward stage where no one cares about them anymore.  For Miley, the young kids will turn on her and begin to worship Selena Gomez and she’ll end up on VH1 Where Are The Now?  while USF will lose a few more games and realize that they’re not the dominant team in the state they thought they were.

In other “can you believe this?” news, I drove past the Georgia Tech campus today and realized I was looking at the Number 18 team in the nation.  I felt like Mugatu, because I, too, wondered if I was taking crazy pills.

Hallucinations aside, next week I’ll be in Tallahassee watching the Noles host Virginia Tech and trying to hustle a press pass since after all, I am a Sports Writer.

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Who needs Thursdays?

I’m just going to come out and say it: I hate Thursday night games.  I mean, they’re right up there with Blackouts and Oregon’s uniforms on the list of things I don’t get about College Football.  Since I’ve already touched on why blackouts are a bad idea (see Georgia) and I don’t have the bandwith to write about Oregon’s crimes against fashion, I’ve decided to stick to weeknight games.  It’s just not Thursday games anymore, college football is on more often than Seinfeld reruns: Tuesdays, Thursdays, Fridays.  What’s the deal?

Why so much hate for Weeknight Games, you might ask?  It’s totally unnecessary.  I know there are like three hundred teams now but do we really need to cut into weeknights?  Thankfully, when I was in college (I’m dating myself) we didn’t have to worry about Thursday night games (nor did we have to worry about losing but that’s for another blog).  We woke up Saturday, adjusted our days contingent upon kickoff time, went to the game and once we’d sufficiently run up the score, left and went out to the bars.  I couldn’t imagine going to class all day and then dragging myself to the stadium for a night game.  But it’s not just about the kids.  As an alumni, I don’t want to have to leave work early on Thursday, drive all the way to Tallahassee, watch the game, go to sleep (I’m old y’all) and then recover the next day which I’ve also had to take time off for.  Needless to say, I am not attending tomorrow’s game (it’s in North Carolina) but I’ll be watching which means that I’ll have to postpone watching The Office and other assorted shows tomorrow night.  I know, what a sacrifice.  Except that I have to go to work on Friday and win or lose I’m going to be tired (although if we lose I’m going to be tired and cranky).

Another reason that I don’t like Thursday games is all the upsets.  I can’t take all that on a weeknight.  I work all week; I’m tired.  I don’t want Pete Carroll’s disappointed face appearing in my nightmares.  Seriously, what’s up with all the upsets on Thursdays?  USC lost.  USF lost.  Clemson lost and their coach was fired.  (Okay, I don’t think the Clemson lost was an upset, but they could have won their game.  Also, as my dad pointed out, Tommy lost to Wake Forest and got the boot, while Bobby has lost games to them for the past three years (including at least one humiliating defeat) and Jeff is the one that gets his contract bought out.  Does Wake Forest have some goal to break all the Bowdens?  I smell a conspiracy.  I’ll get Oliver Stone on the phone about this.  He can call this movie W…F.

Lastly, I sincerely hope that FSU decides to bring the band tomorrow.  Do you remember two years ago (also on a Thursday) when they neglected to bring the band, instead bringing along some crazy high school rent-a-band?  Bad omen, FSU.  Believe me, that was in one of my Letters of Truth.

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Alas, poor Vandy, I knew the well

AP

As it was my birthday weekend, I decided to give myself a bye and took the week off.  Then all my hopes for the future were crushed when Vandy lost, so I had to get back to the computer.  I mean, this was supposed to be a stress-free weekend for me; the Seminoles were off and I was going to eat delicious Thai food with some friends.  Then Vandy goes and loses to Mississippi State of all teams.  I’m telling you that cow bell must have been in overdrive.  I really wanted Vady to go the distance; I wanted them to run the table and have Verne Lundquist shout out “do you believe in miracles?” as Vandy won the SEC Championship.  Now all I’m left with is a failed promise and leftover Thai noodles.

Moving on, I’m so glad that someone woke up Pete Carroll and the Trojans and reminded them that they’re supposed to be the most dominant team in College Football.  Or the most dominant team in any sport.  Or in any competition.  I mean, if given the chance, they could probably give Michael Phelps a run for his money.  They could solve the banking crisis and probably win all of California’s Electoral Votes.  I know, I’m getting ahead of myself, they’re currently sitting in Sixth and all, but I think the Media will eat up their comeback story.  Look at Britney Spears, she was driving up and down Sunset Boulevard, popping into ever odd Rite Aid for months, dating married photographers, and abandoning Mercedes on the side of the road for months.  Now everyone’s excited that she combs her hair and is releasing a new single.  Take note, Pete Carroll, everyone loves the Comeback Kid.

Speaking of comebacks, in a move that ensures that a good majority of my friends and my brother will continue to speak to me, Florida destroyed LSU and then leaped ahead of the Trojans in the polls.  I would like to point out that after my aforementioned birthday dinner, my friends and I ended up a bar to watch this game, but unbeknownst to all of us, we ended up at THE  Gator Alumni bar.  When I told my Dad the story this morning he sighed “Oh God” like I was Barbara Streisand crashing a Republican Fundraiser or something.  Contrary to popular belief, I can behave myself in public, especially since I picked UF to win (even though secretly I wanted them to lose…I find I win either way).  Also, you’ll be happy to know that this bar served such fare as “Tim Tebow Wings”.  You know, I don’t care what establishment I’m at, but I’m going to refer to all Buffalo wings as Tim Tebow Wings from now on. You should to. 

Of course, the big story is Texas beating Oklahoma which I kind of suspected would happen.  I don’t think we’re going to see a team that can stay #1 for a significant amount of time this year…especially since the Longhorns haven’t received the memo that it’s all about the Gators and the Trojans.  The Longhorns shouldn’t be too upset though; I’m sure Matthew McConaughey will grill out for them on the patio of his Airstream Trailer.

Lastly, I’d like to say how disappointed I am in Clemson for blowing the Thursday night game.  Now, I hate Thursday night games, something you will learn more about later in the week when I right about the upcoming FSU/NC State game, but I really wanted the Tigers to pull this out.  Make no mistake, I don’t harbor any love for Clemson, I just need Wake Forest to lose multiple times.  Of course, Wake Forest continues to only have one non-conference loss (to FSU, naturally) and Tommy Bowden is poised to be on the hot seat again.  Now I know it seems like Tommy is proverbially on the hot seat but I worry about the Tigers coming to Tallahassee next month.  Irregardless, if nothing else, maybe Vandy will rebound, win out the rest of their Conference schedule and then beat Wake.  Wow, I know I just totally shut down a team in my own Division, but I don’t even care.  You all should know by now that I’m totally arbitrary with who I pick to win anyways.

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Another 1 Bites The Dust

Getty Images

Another week, another #1 goes down.  College football is madness this year, madness!  Is there any team out there that is actually intimidating anymore?  I understand that parity can be good but I really kinda miss a big bad bully rolling up opponent after opponent.  It means more when they get knocked off.  I miss my Noles of the 90’s…sigh.  I think those days are gone forever…alas.  On to today’s meandering thoughts.

• It was fun watching Oklahoma/Texas today.  I don’t usually pay that much attention to two teams that I have no rooting interest in, but this one sucked me in.  OK dominated in the early going and Texas came back on them.  I am starting to believe in Colt McCoy now, I wasn’t entirely sure he was worthy of the hype but he just may be.  He sure threw some passes into the tightest of windows.  Although I miss my former boyfriend, Limas Sweed, Texas has a couple good WR’s in Cosby and Shipley have stepped in and not missed a beat.
• Although I enjoyed all the action of the game, I did not enjoy the TERRIBLE job done by the referees.  They blew call after call.  Poor #28 for OK was called for 2 late hits on the QB in which he clearly was pulling up and trying to keep the QB from falling.  Texas’ whining sideline talked the coaches into throwing flags.  They also blew an interception in the end zone, claiming the OK guy did not have possession, which he clearly did and the ground cannot cause a fumble.  On the TX end of things, they were flagged for running into the kicker when the punter pulled a great fake after glancing at his coaches on the sidelines.  It was hilarious, though I still disapprove.  OK’s first TD was not over the goal line but wasn’t even reviewed.  It was really terrible officiating, I hope those guys get sanctioned or whatever happens to refs in the NCAA.
• Oklahoma really had things turn for the worse when their MLB, Reynolds, went out with his third knee injury in as many years.  I heard that he’s out for the season and I feel horribly for him.  He was probably so thrilled to be back in the game and then to see another season end to injury is just awful.   I think he’s a senior too.  Sorry, man, that sucks.
• What doesn’t suck is Bob Stoops taking another unexpected loss.  I hate him, always have, always will.  Suck it Gator boy.  Yes, he’s been a Sooner for a long time but to me, he will always be one of Spurrier’s bitches.  Hate.
• Now that Notre Dame has lost, how about we not hear any more bitching about how they should be ranked despite their lame ass schedule and the fact that they haven’t beaten a decent team in about 10 years, okay?  Why did it take the refs so damn long to review that ending play, that was CLEARLY a fumble?  I bet they were looking for any way on god’s green earth that they could give Notre Dame the ball back and another chance to pull out one of their miracle annoying wins.  Too bad, weren’t able to fix it for you.  Screw Notre Dame.
• Oh Michigan, I just don’t know what to say to you anymore.  Losing to the aforementioned Notre Dame, understandable (I guess).  Losing to Toledo on your field and only scoring 10 points in the process?  Really?  All across the nation Mountaineer fans are cackling with glee and fondly petting their Rich Rodriguez voodoo dolls.  I don’t know what to tell you, good times are not ahead and I don’t know when they will be again.  But you still have that kickass fight song.  Too bad we won’t get to hear it that much!
• I really am happy that Ohio State handed the reins over to Pryor, but damn their offense is not that effective.  The offensive line is not giving the kid enough time, and he’s not good at knowing when he needs to get rid of the ball.  That will come with time but playing like that they won’t be able to take down Penn State.  The game was a snooze, Purdue is not very good.
• Texas Tech, you’re not for real are you?  I know you won today, but having to go OT against Nebraska doesn’t speak well for you, especially when you have Texas and Oklahoma looming in your future.  I officially declare you a pretender.
• Paging Auburn’s offense, paging Auburn’s offense.  Has anyone seen Auburn’s offense?  They’ve been missing all season and they were missing again today against Arkansas.  ARKANSAS people!   Home of Bobby the deserter Petrino.  A team run by the Dicks!  THE DICKS!!!  Auburn, seriously, I had some hope that you would knock off UF like you did a year ago but clearly I cannot rely on you.  Begone.
• Another pretender was exposed today.  BYU has been beating up opponent after opponent but today they struggled with New Mexico.  Sorry, but you have a tough time with New Mexico in your house, how are you going to fare against the Texas and LSU and OK’s in the world?  You begone too.
• Farewell, Vandy, you were a sweet, feel-good story, but I don’t know that anybody really believed you could hang with the big boys in the SEC.  You clearly couldn’t, as you lost to Miss State today.  Not that I belittle Miss State, but it’s clear that Vandy is not quite an LSU or UF or UGA.
• Speaking of UGA, they won against Tennessee today, in a not overly impressive showing but they played decently.  I’m still not sold on Stafford, he makes too many bad decisions for my taste, but Knowshon should carry them back into contention in the SEC.
• When is Phil Fulmer going to lose his job?  Does he get to stay at Tenn for life despite crapping the bed over and over against the good teams in the SEC?  I mean, I know he won a championship a decade ago (thanks Mario Edwards, I have not forgotten or forgiven your terrible coverage of Peerless Price) but that was a decade ago.  He’s not exactly a JoePa or Bobby is he?
• USC shut out another terrible Pac 10 team, so they’ll probably move into to the top 5 or something.  They’ll leap undefeated Texas Tech since they went OT against Nebraska.  Back to number 1 in a month or so, mark my words!  Oh, and how hilarious was it that while I was innocently watching the OK/TX game they show what’s coming up, OSU/Purdue, UNC/ND and USC/ASU.  What do you think they showed as a live shot?  Pete Carroll warming up on the sidelines, throwing the football.  Um, is he the new QB at USC?  WTF ABC?
• Oh yeah, by the way, I love how that Ricky Jean Francois guy, who calls out Tebow and says they want to hurt him this week, manages to be hurt and not playing this week.  Strained groin my ass.  Back up your talk jackass, you know I want to see Tebow knocked out.
• It becomes apparent that Ricky Jean Francois is not the only guy on LSU who stayed home, apparently the rest of the team stayed with him.  17-0 after one quarter?  That game is now dead to me.

The night games have officially disheartened me, we have blowouts in the Gator game and Penn State/Wisconsin and Missouri is gaining control in theirs.  If something earth shattering happens, I’ll be back, otherwise, LSU sucked, UF finally looked good, OK State is pretty scrappy, Chase Daniel is fun to watch and Penn State is rolling toward their Ohio State clash.  That’s all I got.

Well I had to come back because Missouri lost to OK State.  Chase Daniel had an opportunity to lead a game winning drive and he threw a pick.  OK iced the game.  So now Number 1, 3 and 5 all went down. I guess Bama is the new # 1 with Texas checking in at #2 and Penn State #3?  We’ll see.  It’s clear that chaos continues to rein.

Next weekend I will be in DC attending the Redskins/Browns game in a luxury box, so likely no college football posts unless something major inspires me.  I’ll be back soon!

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Sooner than later…USC will rise again

AP

First of all, let me say how happy I am that yesterday was not another soul-crushing Saturday, of which I have suffered many in the last five years. 

Now, on with the AP Poll:

1.) Oklahoma! I like to write Oklahoma with an “!” for emphasis like the eponymous musical.  That’s really all I have to say about them at this point.  I’m sorry; I guess like most members of the media (ha!) I’m just so used to seeing “1.) USC” that my brain has ceased to function.  What’s next? An SEC team that’s not LSU, Georgia or Florida at Number 2?

2.) Alabama: Not that I can really talk (like that will stop me) but that game seemed a little close…

3.) Missouri: I feel like Sarah Palin during the VP Debate because you’re asking me to talk about Missouri but I’m just going to jump ahead and talk about…

4.) LSU: …Something I know.  There, this is so much better.   The Tigers travel to Jortstown, USA next week to play the Gators.  No doubt, Florida will be out for revenge due to last year’s heartbreaker.  As much as I dislike UF, I hope the Gators can bring it, too.  For the rest of this story, skip down to Number 11 (look it’s like a Choose Your Own Adventure)!

5.) Texas: I can’t decide if I want them to win next week or not.  And where are the crazy Matthew McConaughey antics?  He’s the cover boy of Texas Monthly for God’s sake!

6.) Penn State: If Penn State goes undefeated then my head will explode because the Paterno/Bowden rivalry will continue into next season.  They’re like Adams and Jefferson at this point.

7.) Texas Tech: This goes out to my friend, Bonnie, who called me up to tell me that her mother’s alma mater is ranked higher than hers (UF).  She also told me that she was stranded in an Outback Steakhouse in Florida that was only showing MLB on a Saturday night.  I’m sorry, but how is that even possible?  First of all, despite the fact that teams come down for Spring Training every year, it’s pretty obvious that Florida doesn’t care about baseball, I mean look at exhibit a) the Marlins and exhibit B) the Rays. The Marlins have won two World Series titles and the Rays made the playoffs but does anyone care?  (No, because neither team has a ”T. Tebow” on the roster).  I would even venture that Florida really isn’t that big into Professional Football, exhibit C) The Jaguars (again, no “T. Tebow”).  But everyone in Florida loooooovvvveeesss the Gators!  Oh, I’m sorry.  I was supposed to be writing about Texas Tech.  Moving on…

8.) USC:  Eight?  How is this possible?  Is this impacting Pete Carroll’s ability to get into Nobu?  Can Sanchez and the boys still get into clubs or do they have to wait in line like all the kids from UCLA?  What is this world coming to? 

9.) Brigham Young: Let me just get back to USC for a minute.  Remember at the beginning of the year when everyone said that there wasn’t a better team out there and they were almost as good as the Pros?  Have the Trojans been stripped of all that hyperbole now?  Are they just going to quietly go to The Rose Bowl?  How will my heart go on?

10.) Georgia: I wonder if Georgia will stage any more Blackouts.  I don’t mean to be a naysayer, but I’m against them.  Need I remind anyone of the 2006 Florida State Blackout that spawned The Letter of Truth?  Well, I’m sure some UGA Boosters penned their own Letters of Truth this week.  I mean, Georgia is in the midst of a gasoline shortage and all those poor fans drove to Athens to wear their freshly bought black t-shirts only to sit in stunned silence for thirty odd minutes.  I wonder if you can write off “emotional distress due to college football game” on your state income taxes…

11.) Florida: (Continued from #4)  So last year, I was invited to a Gator party to watch the LSU game.  I think I was the only non-Gator there so I had to be on my best behavior.  Of course, when you mix liquor with losing, some people will turn on you, even if you’re just sitting there quietly, eating delicious mini-Oreo cheesecake bites.  Therefore, I’m calling this one for the Gators.  (I just want all my friends to continue to speak to me.)

12.) Ohio State: So for some reason, I was forced to watch this game last night.  I didn’t have any big plans as most of my friends were still out of town so I thought I would curl up with my regularly scheduled USC game, except I live on the East Coast which apparently means I’m supposed to care about the Buckeyes.  But doesn’t my ABC affiliate realize that USC is the most important team ever?  That would be like them withholding showing the VP Debate because I don’t live in a geographical area filled with Joe Six Packs and Hockey Moms.  Oh and what’s up with that “link arms and sway” thing that they do before the game?  It reminds me of the world’s largest game of red rover.

13.) Vandy!: They get an “!” too because they make me smile.  As my mom would say, God bless them!  I hope they win it all.  Then the whole team can be on Anderson Cooper’s show. 

19.) South Florida: I’m skipping, I know and I don’t care.  Just like I don’t care who knows that I wanted them to lose on Thursday.  State of Florida loyalty be damned, if FSU and UF have one loss, then USF can too.  Deal with it.  I think the only Florida team I actively dislike more than USF is UCF, which is odd since my youngest brother goes there.  He can’t be bothered with following the football team as a) no one busts any fat, mixed martial arts moves and b) no one on the team is a cage fighter.

20.) Auburn: Why are they still in the Top 25?  They’re like the Hillary Clinton of the AP Poll.  They’re not going out without a fight. 

21.) Wake Forest: Why are they still in the Top 25?  I know I just said that about Auburn, but I mean it more about this team. 

22.) North Carolina: I’m sorry, I must be hallucinating.  Basketball hasn’t started right? 

Not receiving votes: Florida State: Where’s the love?  Yes, I know, FSU cracked the Top 25 and then blew it.  But you know what?  FSU is in College Football Rehab.  They get released and then relapse and then they show a little promise.  I get that the AP Voters are a little hesitant to give the Noles another chance, but come on…Auburn’s lost twice!  Now, the win yesterday wasn’t pretty.  In fact, it was ten kinds of heinous, but as all my Gator friends always like to say “a ‘W’ is a ‘W’”.  Plus, did you all see those swanky new striped shirts all the coaches were sporting?  They should at least be 25 for daring to wear horizontal stripes.  I mean, Mickey Andrews was kind of channeling Mr. Smee, but while the playcalling can be conservative at times, they’re nothing if not fashion risk takers.  Speaking of people that make the big bucks, was anyone else confused by Bob Griese’s “keys to winning the game” yesterday?  It was like “stay cool” for the Seminoles and “finish” for Miami.  Hmm, while “staying cool” is definitely valid, is that the best you can come up with?  Did you leave your notes in the hotel room?  And “finish”?  Well, I do believe most teams attempt to finish every game, although how funny would it have been if Miami would have just stopped in the Third Quarter and were like “hey, this game’s old; let’s all go to Mansion?”  Now for my weekly “What’s Bobby Doing” moment:  I think Bobby was so excited that he was going to win in Miami (and not fall further behind Paterno) that he went up to several players and seemed to congratulate them on a job well done.  While I thought this was akin to President Bush meeting with the Olympic Beach Volleyball teams for pictures in Bejing, my father disagreed and said it was more like the kindly, retired gentleman that greets you as you walk into Wal-Mart.

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Diary of a Mad Woman, FSU/Miami Style

Me, during the second half; Image from gather.com

Instead of doing a college football wrap up, I thought I’d take you through a step by step view of my FSU/Miami viewing experience.  That game sapped everything out of me and even though I watched more football, I didn’t retain a whole lot to talk intelligently about it.  There’s something about FSU/Miami that ends up driving me to the brink every year, and this year might have been worse than most.  Times are all approximate, as I was not taking notes.

3:30 PM Kickoff!  Noles get the ball first and Garvin has a great return out near midfield.  Ponder uses his legs to move the Noles a bit, then throws a pick in the end zone.  “Here we go again” I think.

3:45 PM Miami’s QB, Marve, throws a pick to Carter around the Miami 40.  Alright, we’re back where we were prior to the pick.  FSU drives, mostly running by Ponder again, Smith takes it in.  7-0 and I’m feeling fine.

4:15 PM The Noles D is kicking ass and taking names!  Marve looks completely lost out there.  Noles get the ball again and Smith scores again.  I’m scared every time we pass, but Ponder running has been a godsend.

4:45 PM Noles score again and all is well.  Up 21-0 on Miami?  Better than I could have asked for.  Then we squib a kick to the 43 and I’m screaming at the idiocy.  Pin em back and take a 3 TD lead in at the half morons.  Miami ends up getting a field goal to their extremely short field, I am irritated that they got on the board.

5:00 PM Halftime.  Mom calls to congratulate me on how great the team is doing.  I remind her that it’s only half over and it’s Miami.  Too early for congratulations.

5:15 PM Noles D stops Miami and gives the ball back to the offense.  Smith mishandles a Ponder handoff and Miami gets the ball on their own 10.  One play later they have a touchdown.  I’m fuming a bit.  Damn Smith, who cares that he scored 3 TD’s, Ponder did all the work.

5:30 PM Noles answer Miami’s TD with one of their own 31-10.  Miami answers with a FG, ok, I can deal with that.  Noles stopped and have to punt, the moron snaps it over the punters head, he responds by kicking the ball out of the end zone for a safety.  I’m irritated but happy he did something smart instead of giving Miami the ball on their 5 with an easy TD.  31-15 now.

6:00 PM Noles kick off after the safety and Miami’s Benjamin, who I want to die at this point, returns the ball 50 some yards.  One play, halfback pass, Miami TD to Benjamin (who I truly truly hate), 31-22 now.

6:15 PM FSU drives and gets a FG.  I wanted a TD.  Someone dropped a pass, I forget who, and I hate him.  34-22.

6:30 PM Miami, on 4th and 1 from their own 18, fakes a punt and scampers about 15 yards.  I loathe my special teams players.  Miami drives and the defense finally starts to hold, it’s 4th and 6 from the 30 or so.  Marve heaves a pass toward one of his receivers, Nole’s Carter goes up with him and manages to wrestle the ball away for the pick.  Momentary excitement until I realize that douchetard got us the ball on our own 2, instead of us having it at the 30 if he’d have just dropped the ball on the ground.  MORON.

6:32 PM Ahhh Ponder, it was too good to be true.  Instead of running, which you’ve done successfully all day, you loft an airball from the end zone.  Miami catches it and scampers 6 yards for the TD.  34-29.  I am no longer watching the game.  There are 12 minutes to go and I am confident that FSU has lost it.  I hate Miami with every fiber of my being.  I call my mother and demand that she call and tell me what happens, because I refuse to watch.

6:35 PM I get in the bath tub and just chill.  The cats wander in to see if my head has burst from all the rage I have.  I sit in the tub talking to myself about how much I hate my team and how much I hate Miami.  I contemplate never watching football again.  The water was too hot, as was my internal temperature, so I get out.

6:55 PM I’m sitting back in my living room praying that the Noles can hold on.  I’m curious to know what’s happened but afraid to see.  I flip the TV on for one minute and see that Miami got a FG and it’s 34-32.  I slap the TV back off and sit in silence.

7:05 PM I’m dying to know what’s happening but I don’t want to turn the TV on again.  I pick up my laptop and hop on ESPN.com.  I see that the Noles are 2nd and goal from the 9 and immediately get off ESPN.com, as I don’t want to destroy their mojo.

7:10 PM I have to know if we scored, so I log back on ESPN.com.  We did score!  I have no idea how, 41-32.  I see that Miami has the ball with 3:45 to go and get off the site again quickly.

7:12 PM Curiosity is getting the better of me so I call Mom to ask how we scored.  She tells me we had to score twice, the first one was called back because of a penalty and on 3rd and 20 Miami expected us to pass again but Smith ran in for a 20 yard TD.  I love Smith again and want to bear his children.  Mom tells me Miami is on the 30 and there’s 1:45 to go.  I tell her goodbye as I don’t want to hear anything until it’s over.

7:14 PM Mom calls, Miami scored, 41-39.  I yell at her, “Is the game over????” and she says no, there’s 14 seconds yet.  I yell at her again, “Don’t call me til it’s over, OH MY GOD, they’re going to line up for an onside and kick and they’ll get it and win!!!”  She tells me it’s a monsoon right now and I start yelling some more, “NOOOO that means we won’t be able to field the ball well, they’re going to get it, I know it, I have to get off the phone!!!”  Mom says fine and hangs up on my raving ass.

7:15 PM Mom calls, the game is over.  “Did we lose?”  “Nooooo, they kicked it right to one of your guys, he got it and dropped on it, then Ponder had to snap once and he fell on it”.  Thank god!!!  My mother now things I’m a lunatic, but WE WON!!!!

7:30 PM Hop on over to STFU! to celebrate in the win.  Heartbeat is beginning to return to normal but I’m still high on the stress level.  My friend, Crunk, says something to piss me off and I threaten to log off the computer if he doesn’t shut the fuck up.  He says something else to enrage me about the Noles nearly giving away the game and I tell him goodbye.  He wisely quits saying things that annoy me and I’m able to calm down.

8:00 PM I start watching OSU/Wisconsin but never truly come down from the FSU emotion.  I know I’m incapable of talking about any other games, so I decide to do this diary instead.  Next year I think I will take a vacation from this game, it’s bad for my health.  Who am I kidding, I won’t be able to resist.  Self torture commence.  One of these days FSU/Miami will end up giving me a real life heart attack.  Mark it down.

Wide Right Again

October is a very traditional month for me: I celebrate my birthday; I decorate for Halloween; when I was in high school and college I would frequently work on the homecoming festivities, and I watch the annual FSU/Miami game.  This is probably my favorite rivalry: the field goal misses, the trash talking, Bobby Bowden looking frequently bewildered; it’s the whole package.  I know that Florida/Florida State is actually a “bigger” series, but I hate the Gators and the jorts they rode in on.  The Hurricanes are a team I somewhat respect, until they force us into a field goal situation we can’t possibly win and then desicrate our Seminole head on the 50 yard line.

Can I just say that I don’t know if I should be depressed or mildly amused by the fact that “Wide Right” actually has its own Wikipedia entry.  I’m also somewhat surprised that the whole Wide Right (or Left) stigma hasn’t forced the Seminoles to actively recruit qualified kickers over the years (Janikowski notwithstanding).  Sure, the Noles can block a field goal; it’s the kicking it that’s the hard part.

Indulge me for a moment as I share with you one of my favorite memories of this rivalry (if you need to, just picture me as Burt Reynolds, slumped on the couch of his Jupiter home during The Bobby Bowden show every Sunday morning on The Sunshine Network),  When I was little, my dad took my younger brothers to a birthday party at a local beach hotel.  While my brothers played beach volleyball with their friends, my dad and I watched the game inside the hotel at the sports bar.  Even then I knew a lot about football (and about sports betting).  Since I didn’t have any money to speak of, I bet my dad two Cookies and Cream flavored Twix candy bars that the Seminoles would miss the field goal (just call me Pete Rose).  Let’s just say that my dad took that bet and I feasted on cookies and cream that evening.  But my bet winning wasn’t even the best part; it was Bobby running out onto the field in a tight sweater, thrilled to have just won the game…and then realizes that the kick was bad.  Look I love the Noles, but that moment never manages to crack me up.  It was the dadgummit heard round the world. Maybe I’m a bad fan; but I just like to think I’m a good judge of unintentional comedy.

Speaking of which, how funny is it that all the announcers refer to Jimbo Fisher as “Coach in Waiting” now?  The whole thing makes me think that Jimbo is actually the Prince Charles of the Seminoles Coaching Staff to Bobby’s Queen Elizabeth with his jumbo championship rings and frequent hat changes.  I guess that makes Mickey Prince Phillip since he has no shot at the head coaching job but has had Bobby’s back forever. (Also he’s very gruff.)  Chuck Amato can be Prince Andrew since he went out on his own for a while but returned and seems to have been welcomed back in the fold.  Mark Richt is Fergie; mixing it up with everyone and then bailing out for more lucrative opportunities.  Ponder and Richardson can be Princes Wills and Harry while poor Drew Weatherford has to settle being one of Princess Anne’s children that not even the tabloids care about.

Here’s what I expect to see on Saturday: Turnovers, big defensive plays, actual field goals, Sebastian the Ibis dancing around like a lunatic, “die hard” Miami fans (yet none of them ever matriculated there) and Billy, Bobby’s Trooper, trying to squeeze into the camera frame during the post game hand shake.

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The Fix Is In

I was ready to do my college football wrap-up post lauding the USC loss and laughing over the fact that they were more than likely out of the national championship race already.  Then Saturday’s games happened and it’s clear, the fix is in.  The NCAA, in order to save itself some money after having already engraved the crystal trophy with USC’s future win, must have pulled some strings to have the rest of the top teams dropping like flies.  First, Florida loses to Ole Miss in the Swamp.  I could see it at Ole Miss, but in their own house???  Then Wisconsin loses to an inept Michigan team.  The ACC’s only undefeated team (although they should have lost last week), Wake Forest loses to NAVY.  Yes, I said Navy!  Then GA gets waxed by Alabama at home.  I could have picked GA to lose, but not to get dominated the way they did.  You watch, USC will be ranked something like #5 despite their loss because of all these other teams going down.

Oh, one more USC/Oregon State comment.  Jacquiz Rogers is the man and now my second college boyfriend behind Knowshon.  In order to be my college boyfriend, you have to be awesome and have a very cool name.  It doesn’t get much cooler than Knowshon and Jacquiz.  Congrats boys, you have been selected for a high honor.  Knowshon didn’t get much of a chance to shine tonight, with GA falling behind 31-0 at halftime, but I don’t think that hurts his Heisman chances.  It’s not like he’s a QB costing the team the game!

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Returning to the aforementioned Florida game, I only have one thing to say: HAHAHAHAHAH!!!  That was awesome.  Alright, I have more than one thing to say, but the overriding emotion is sheer hilarity.  Why did Florida lose?  Because precious Tebow could not convert a 4th and 1/2 with 50 seconds left.  That was funny in and of itself, since UF fans will swear to you that Tebow walks on water and converts said water into wine in his spare time.  But even worse was the fact that they were in field goal range.  I realize their kicker is not the best on the planet, and they had the extra point that would have tied it blocked, but they could have at least made the attempt.  But no, the hubris of Urban Meyer bit the Gators on the ass.  Yeah, Tebow is f’in Superman.  Tell me a new one Gator fans.  Just remember, you still lost 4 games when Mr. Perfect was handed the Heisman.  He can keep winning Heisman’s and losing games, that’s just fine by me.

Wisconsin was once again exposed as a pretender when they lost at Michigan today.  They had a big lead but couldn’t maintain against a team that’s had as an anemic an offense as I’ve seen.  The Big 10 just can’t compete on a national stage running their old school offenses anymore.  Penn State remains undefeated, for now, and they seem to have an offense, but wake me when they play someone decent.   IL is ok but hardly a powerhouse.  I believe Northwestern is 5-0 but they’re unranked so that tells me something about the quality of teams they’ve been playing.

I like a couple of teams in the Big 12 but I don’t yet know for sure how good they really are as they’ve played nobody.  OK, Missouri and Texas are all undefeated, but we need them to start playing one another to have a true measuring stick.  And no, OK beating up on TCU does not count for me.  They’re the Horned Frogs, nuff said.

My Noles should be 4-0 this week.  I said last week that Wake didn’t win that game, the Noles lost it and I stand by that this week.  Especially with Wake having gone down to NAVY of all people.  If Wake doesn’t get turnovers, they don’t win, period.  My Noles were pretty good against Colorado today.  The defense is for real, and they have still been solid in recent years, but they were dominant most of the game.  Two late scores for Colorado made it look less respectable, but we were in prevent at that time.  I hate prevent by the way.  Christian Ponder didn’t play very well in the first half but he seemed to have found his confidence in the second half.  He was greatly helped by the running game.  For the first time that I can remember the Noles ran for over 200 yards.  Antoine Smith had a great game, including a 60 yard TD run and 2 other rushing TD’s.  We need to cultivate that running game to offset the inexperience at QB.  There were a few less penalties this game too, certainly no backbreaking ones like last week.  Nice to see.  If only we had had just one of those special teams plays last week, we’d have won that game against Wake.  Woulda, coulda, shoulda.  Sigh.

I thought Miami might be the cream of the crop in the NCAA but then they lost at home to UNC.  I must say, that game was very exciting.  Miami was throwing for the winning TD and somehow the UNC corner plucked the ball out of the WR’s hands to seal off the game.  Awesome.  I don’t know who the best team in the ACC is, though arguing that might be futile anyway.  With no undefeated teams left, the ACC is hardly in the running for best conference.

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Ohio State had Beanie Wells back today and he and Pryor combined to have a decent game.  One can only wonder what they would have done with Beanie and Pryor against USC.  I guarantee it would have been a lot closer than it actually was.

LSU was decent against Miss State.  There was a time there when they were only up by 7 and it looked like Miss might hang with them but they pulled away in the second half.  I bet they’ll move up to #2 behind Oklahoma.  Looking forward to whenever they play Bama, whomever wins that one might have the inside track to the SEC championship.

I honestly think it’s safe to say that parity reigns in college football.  I mean, truly, who is a powerhouse anymore?  USC, clearly not.  OK?  Can’t say yet.  UF, nope.  AL?  They look good but they’re not scary.  There is no air of invincibility like teams like Miami had in the 80’s and early 00’s, FSU in the 90’s, Nebraska in their heyday.  Maybe they should make a movie called On Any Given Saturday, because it sure feels like anybody could be had these days.

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The Fall of Troy

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This past week I’ve been somewhat depressed (and rightfully distressed) by my Alma Mater’s poor showing this past weekend, but after last night, I don’t feel so bad…or do I?  Between the collapse of Washington Mutual and the Trojan Horse that was Oregon State, what are we going to do?  Poor Pete Carroll, he was like the mythical King Priam of Troy, elated when golden boy Paris brings Helen of Sparta home and then deeply, deeply troubled when he has to go to the Greeks and ransom Hector’s body back.   (That was for my Dad, who used to ask me “Brandi, why do you take so many classes on Ancient Greece?” in college.  Answer: ”So I can one day use my knowledge of mythology to ridicule PAC 10 schools”.).

Of course, USC’s loss is the SEC’s gain…until the SEC teams start picking each other off.  Because let me reiterate this most important of points, USC and teams from the SEC are the only teams that could be eligible to win the National Championship, at least according to the media.  This USC loss is huge.  I want John McCain and Barack Obama to take time from their busy schedule of fixing the economy to comment on THE MOST IMPORTANT EVENT OF THE WEEK.  I also want to hear from Sarah “I can see USC from my house” Palin.  I want Nancy Grace to camp outside The Coliseum taking calls from all of my distraught LA pals.  That’s how monumental this is…except this happens to USC like every year.  Honestly, shouldn’t we just expect this by now?

Speaking of foregone conclusions, the Gators host Ole Miss this weekend.  I predict this game will only be rough on the fans since it takes place at 12:30 which means that many kids including my brother will be too hungover to daydrink to their best capabilities.

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Elsewhere in the BEST CONFERENCE OF ALL TIME, Auburn hopes to rebound against Tennessee, while the Vols pray that all of their traveling fans remain in their seats until the 4th Quarter.  Then there’s the Blackout.  Sigh.  Florida State has attempted two Blackouts, one of which resulted in one of my now-famous “Letters of Truth”.  I don’t think The Blackout serves any real purpose other than getting drunk kids to buy black T-shirts, but I believe the Bulldogs will pull ahead, while the Bamafans will file this away under the heading “Reasons to Fire Saban”.

In Florida State News, they travel to Jacksonville for some inane reason to play Colorado.  They better pull off a win because I don’t want to spend another Saturday night, in shock, contemplating burning clothing.  Also, Clemson plays Maryland.   Bowden loyalty be damned, I’m going for Maryland.  North Carolina State plays my new nemesis, USF, and I hope the Wolf Pack can pull this off.  I can’t deal with so many football programs in Florida.

While we’re on the topic of things that bother me: Penn State.  It goes like this: the more Penn State wins and Florida State loses, the longer the Paterno/Bowden feud will linger.  Now, I would really like Bobby to regain the lead in Most NCAA Wins, but not at the expense of the program.  Look, I loved that old primetime soap Dallas, but even Larry Hagman realized that good things need to come to an end.  Anyway, all selfishness on my part aside, why is this the Saturday Evening Football game?  Oh that’s right, because USC graciously ceded the timeslot away played on Thursday.

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Well that was horrible

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Let’s be honest: there’s not much that I can say about the Seminole defeat that hasn’t already been said, so I’ll just go through my thoughts while watching the game:

• 5 pm-6:45 pm: Why am I like the oldest person at my alumni viewing party? (P.S. I’m not even 30, yet I was one of the few people there that could count the number of Seminole losses during their tenure on one hand. Four by the way.)
• 6:45-7:00 pm: For my money, you can’t get any better than Chief Osceola and Renegade.  Riding to the 50 yard line with the flaming spear is like the best college opening ever (get over it, Clemson).  Little would I know that this would be the highlight of my gameday.
• Approximately 7:15 pm: FSU throws first interception.  I think Ponder is jittery.
• 7:15-8:00 pm: Jitters be damned, I am now silently cursing Ponder for giving all those “we’re going to win” interviews.  They look real smart in retrospect, don’t they?  I also compose my latest “letter of truth” to the FSU Athletic Department in my head wherein I demand that our players stick to a canned script when talking to the media.
• Halftime-The game is really serious because Bobby has put on the headset at least three times.  Honestly, who is he even talking to?  Both Jimbo and Mickey are on the field, so I’m left to wonder if Bobby is actually making a reality of the proverbial “Bobby orders a pizza on the sideline” joke.  To distract myself, I make a point of watching Bobby’s State Trooper, Billy.  Billy is like my favorite person on the sideline.  I enjoy watching the end of the games (this is better when we actually win) because Billy will frequently shake the opposing coach’s hand as well.  Sometimes he also talks to the players.  I read this article one time about how after a particular win against the Gators, Billy drove Bobby back to Tallahassee in the Crown Vic and Bobby made Billy blast the sirens as they headed to Doak Campbell.  Then I start thinking that Bobby and Billy are probably buddies who like to eat at Sonny’s BBQ together.  Maybe on a good day, when Gene Deckerhoff and Burt Reynolds are in town they hit up Outback Steakhouse.
• Third Quarter: More interceptions.  I go into Crazy Mode where I start telling guys at my table that they can’t get up to take smoke breaks because they’re throwing off our game.  I am highly superstitious and I contemplate burning the clothes I am wearing and never going to this sports bar for another game again.  I momentarily come out of my haze when we score a field goal.  Of course the other patrons in the bar go wild and start singing the Florida State fight song.  I sit there, stone faced, like I’m Bill Belichick.  (Ha! Now we’ve both had a bad week!)
• Fourth Quarter: As it becomes increasingly more likely that the Noles will never score a touchdown (or successfully complete a pass to anyone wearing a garnet jersey) I start watching the Georgia game on another TV and notice that they’ve brought the latest Uga all the way to Arizona.  They really went all out, I mean it’s expensive to fly a pet.  I then wonder if Uga meets the weight requirement to fly in the cabin.  This distracts me for a good four minutes.   About this time, I realize that Jesse Palmer is a commentator in the ABC Studio.  I wonder what Steve Spurrier thinks about all this.  I mean, I’m sure Steve never thought that old Jesse would show up on The Bachelor.  After that debacle, I guess the ABC gig is actually a pretty sweet deal.  I then get really evil (I’m bitter, y’all) and I imagine Tebow’s pro-career not igniting, forcing him to star on some godawful, VH1 Celebreality dating show called Scoring with Tim Tebow.
• Two minutes before game ends: It just keeps getting worse.  The expression on my face is a combination of Brenda Walsh’s “I hate you both.  Never speak to me again” and Peyton Manning’s every time he plays the Patriots.  I think I’m starting to scare the girls at my table. 
• Game ends: I immediately call my father and we re-hash the loss.  First of all, how is it possible that the Seminoles play worse with Preston Parker?  Scary.  I was up all night, just sick about all this.  (Honestly, mainly because I talked so much trash earlier in the week.  See Christian Ponder, learn from my mistakes.)  Secondly, now Bobby Bowden is behind Paterno in total wins, which means that he’s going to stretch this out until he over takes JoePa again.  Great.  Thirdly, do the kids want to play in the Pros?  Because in the NFL, you actually have to catch the ball, hold on to the ball, and throw the ball to a person on your own team.  Although I guess you could just do really well in the Combines, but that’s not helping my stress level.  Come on Seminoles, I’ve endured taunts from all my Gator friends since I was in elementary school.  Also I’m taking my Virginia Tech friends to the game next month and I can’t accept anything less than a ten point victory (or else there’s going to be another strongly worded “letter of truth”.)

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